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A year of insanity

It's just three days from the end of the year, so now seems like a good time to reflect on some of the events that transpired in the world of City Times in 2006.

By Rick Gershman
Published December 29, 2006

It's just three days from the end of the year, so now seems like a good time to reflect on some of the events that transpired in the world of City Times in 2006. Why? Because, as a great man once said, "those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it." Sadly, we don't remember who that great man was. Perhaps that's because we've been busy researching a whole year of news to come up with this month-by-month multiple choice quiz. Give it a whirl. If you get all 12 right, take this paper to your local newsstand and you can pick up the latest copy of our sister publication, tbt*, for free. Just tell them City Times sent you.

2006

JANUARY

Jan. 7: It's nighttime, but downtown Tampa suddenly is awash with light. The reason:

A) Armageddon.

B) Lights on Tampa.

C) In an early kickoff to the gubernatorial race, campaign workers unveil a gigantic, brilliantly illuminated Charlie Crist head atop the SunTrust building.

FEBRUARY

Feb 3: It's Friday night in Ybor City, and numerous men are taking turns pummeling each other. The reason:

A) Dude, that's just an average Friday night in a Seventh Avenue alley.

B) Boxing matches are once again being held at the Cuban Club.

C) Sorry, but the first rule of Fight Club is you do not talk about Fight Club.

MARCH

March 13: A judge rules that Carolina Panthers cheerleader Victoria Thomas cannot profit from the fame she received from a November 2005 incident in Channelside. It was:

A) Bowling a perfect strike at Splitsville - by knocking over a pyramid of Panthers cheerleaders. Um, with a Pontiac.

B) Punching an angered Banana Joe's patron immediately after spending extended "quality time" with a fellow cheerleader in a bathroom stall.

C) Showing off her patented - though reportedly NFL-banned - "single-twist, double-spin, vomit a pitcher of tequila in mid-air" move.

APRIL

April 5: Normally sane people begin congregating along N Dale Mabry Highway, acting like crazed animals, desperate to get their hands on some high-end flesh. That's because:

A) It's an average day at Mons Venus.

B) It's the opening of high-end grocer Wild Oats, which specializes in choice meats.

C) No official word, but somebody ask Doug Belden - he must have been there.

MAY

May 25: Gov. Jeb Bush uses his line-item veto to cut $3-million proposed for Tampa Riverwalk from the state budget. He didn't give a reason, but the popular assumption is:

A) He meant to cut the Department of Children and Families, but his pen slipped.

B) Party politics made St. Petersburg's Salvador Dali Museum, which received $4-million, a greater priority.

C) There would be nowhere on the Riverwalk to mount the giant Charlie Crist head.

JUNE

June 7: School officials report that two Coleman Middle School teachers tendered their resignations following a controversial incident in May. Here's the issue:

A) Though it's cheaper and more entertaining, you're simply not allowed to replace the Advanced Placement art appreciation textbook with The Da Vinci Code.

B) The teachers were discovered having sex inside a locked classroom, a story later picked up on the classy Web site hottforteacher.com.

C) Inviting local guest speakers for The Great American Teach-In? Good idea. Inviting Debra LaFave? Bad idea.

JULY

July 2-5: The city is overtaken by about 20,000 guys in red hats. The reason:

A) It would have looked great from the blimp cam, but somehow the 20,000 guys in white hats and the 20,000 guys in blue hats arrived at the wrong Independence Day celebration.

B) The red-fezzed Shriners held their annual convention here this week.

C) What better place or time to hold the Worldwide Naked Santa Convention?

AUGUST

Aug. 8: Tampa City Council member Kevin White acknowledges using money from his Hillsborough County Commission campaign to purchase imported $500 Italian suits, though he calls the purchases "consulting" fees. His explanation:

A) Seemed like a more prudent purchase than the $1,000 tighty-whities, despite the obvious marketing tie-ins.

B) The fashionable wardrobe makes a good impression on voters during the campaign, and his tailor is his "fashion consultant."

C) Everyone knows you need a well-tailored suit to maintain that nice, smooth look while you're packing heat.

SEPTEMEBER

Sept. 27: The Republican National Committee selects Minneapolis-St. Paul over Tampa for its 2008 convention. Officials explained that:

A) Katherine Harris would want to attend, and she'd frighten away children, puppies and children with puppies.

B) The possibility of a hurricane made Tampa too risky a destination.

C) Though Republicans weren't thrilled that Minneapolis gave birth to Prince, it seemed preferable to Tampa, home of the Genitorturers.

OCTOBER

Oct. 26: Ybor City's James Joyce Irish Pub hosts the third in a series of wrestling matches. The bouts feature scantily clad women grappling an oil-slicked opponent. Specifically:

A) The revered and influential writer. Despite being dead for 65 years, still a formidable opponent. Hey, he's Irish.

B) Lucky the Love Dwarf.

C) Carolina Panthers cheerleader Victoria Thomas. (The poor girl's incorrigible.)

NOVEMBER

Nov. 18: In Ybor City, cigarmaker Wally Reyes rolls the world's longest cigar, more than 100 feet. He did this because:

A) Popular rapper Snoop Dogg called in an order for what he considers a "decent-sized" blunt.

B) Reyes wanted to break the Guinness world record.

C) Needed a cigar large enough to be smoked by the gigantic Charlie Crist head.

DECEMBER

Dec. 9: The Plant High football team wins its first state title. Plant's mascot is:

A) The Pink Panther.

B) A black panther.

C) A Carolina Panther cheerleader. Hang on, Victoria - are you allowed within 1,000 feet of a school?

Answer key: Yes, all the correct answers are "B." (If you strayed to "A" or "C" on occasion, it's time to switch to coffee, Mr. Belden.)

Rick Gershman can be reached at rgershman@sptimes.com or 226-3431. His Times blog, the Ill Literate, is at www.sptimes.com/blogs/tampaarts.

[Last modified December 29, 2006, 06:32:26]