Never a dull moment

By GREG HAMILTON
Published December 31, 2006

Jail inmates say guards used their food trays as a toilet. The quiet burg of Yankeetown threatened to self-destruct. A well-respected school district official went all Jerry Springer on her wayward husband. All this and an election season, too. The year 2006 is about to close, and not a moment too soon. Here's a look back at some of the year's weirder events, the things that make living in Citrus County such a moveable feast.

This phone comes with special features

John Stephens arrives at his Crystal River vacation home with a bag of groceries and walks into an armed robbery. The intruder shoots at him, but the bullet is stopped by a cell phone in Stephens' shirt pocket.

NOT THE BIRTHDAY SPLASH SHE WANTED: The day before Trula Latwinas turns 68, she is riding with her husband when he accidentally drives their car into Kings Bay in Crystal River. He climbs out, but Mrs. Latwinas, who can't swim, is trapped. A passerby calls 911, and police officers smash the car's window and rescue her.

OH, SURE, TAKE ALL THE FUN OUT OF THE JOB: Progress Energy shifts to automated meters for homes, ending an era in which workers visited properties to read meters, sometimes stumbling upon nude gardeners, angry dogs or drug transactions.

HUBBY IS FILET OF THE DAY: Shirley Greene, the school district's food services director, is accused of slashing her husband with a knife after confronting him after he left a Brooksville motel with another woman.

Does this include visits from the football team?

The School Board considers banning live animals from classrooms for health reasons but settles on a policy requiring parents to sign consent forms for students if animals are to be brought in.

A CHICKEN IN EVERY POT, A DOZEN PIGS IN EVERY BEDROOM: David Werder agrees to pay veterinarian charges and get rid of 76 pigs that authorities say are being improperly cared for, in order to avoid mistreatment charges. (Werder went on to run for Congress in the district that includes Citrus County.)

TEASING HORNY TEENS FOR GOD: X-Rated Youth, a Christian youth group, startles some students and school officials by distributing suggestive promotional materials such as cards blaring "SEX" and "LUST" to generate interest in the First Assembly of God group in Homosassa.

DON'T QUIT YOUR DAY JOB: Former Crystal River city attorney David La Croix publishes a volume called Love Poems for the Romance-Challenged, including this piece called I Love All Your Parts: Your butt makes me weak like jelly/ As do your elbows, thighs and belly/ Your hair's divine as is your nose/ and so's the stuff between your toes.

WE'RE YOUR NEW NEIGHBORS. *#@&% YOU GUYS: Out-of-town developers arrive with plans for a waterfront development, telling locals that they intend to build whatever they want, no matter what the citizens think.

Killer footwear barred

The School Board considers banning flip-flops from schools for safety reasons, mainly because students could trip during an evacuation.

CRACKS BEGIN TO APPEAR IN THE THIN VENEER OF CIVILIZATION: Yankeetown Mayor Joanne Johannesson tells Town Council member Helen Ciallella to resign because she might sell property to the out-of-town developers of a proposed waterfront resort. Ciallella takes the advice and quits.

IT WAS MYSTERY MEAT MONDAY: Four former inmates at the Citrus County jail file a federal lawsuit alleging that corrections officers tainted their food and drinks with human excrement.

The poster child for why it's called dope

Police seize a bundle of cash during a drug raid at a Crystal River motel, but do not arrest Anterrio Harvin despite detecting "a strong odor of marijuana" in the room. Harvin goes to the police station days later to retrieve the money, and is arrested on drug charges, including for the cocaine he has in his pocket.

WHEN SHOW AND TELL GOES HORRIBLY WRONG: A teacher at the Renaissance Center is arrested and charged with possession of methamphetamine and paraphernalia after students at the district's school for disruptive students complain that she acted "as if she was on speed."

OTHER THAN THAT, IT'S WORKING JUST FINE: The school district's technology department acknowledges problems with the new computer system that handles student records. It has been spitting out incorrect information about transcripts, grades, absences and tardiness.

THE BUSH, DUMMY. GOD SAID HE WANTED A BURNING BUSH: A Homosassa man borrows a lighter from a friend and sets his house on fire because he claims that God told him to do it. After friends pull him from the burning house, he beats himself in the head with a shovel.

THE PEOPLE ARE REVOLTING: Robert Jester quits the County Commission race after going door to door for support signatures. "I just can't believe the weirdos and nuts I ran into. It's like California!"

The world's biggest garage sale ends

Land clearing crews haul away 400,000 pounds of junk from three properties under a county ordinance. Two front-end loaders and three 32-yard dump trailers are needed to dispose of the 200 tons of debris. The property owners are billed $40,000.

THE WHEELS ARE STARTING TO COME OFF...: Two Yankeetown council members resign. The town's only zoning official refuses to come to work for fear of his safety. The town attorney quits. Two petitions seek to recall the mayor. State law enforcement officials start an investigation.

AUGUST

WHO SAYS WE DON'T DO ANYTHING FUN ANYMORE?: The Crystal River Police Department begins giving away free drug-testing kits for parents to use on their children.

LUCKY BECOMES CHUCKY, AS IN GROUND CHUCK: George Lammlein tries to round up his bull, Lucky, who had wandered onto a neighbor's yard. The bull turns on Lammlein and slams him to the ground. "Lucky's going to be 1,200 pounds of hamburger meat," said Janice Lammlein, George's wife.

ERASING THE PAST, ONE BLOCK AT A TIME: The last remaining sections of sidewalk built in Homosassa in the 1920s, targeted to be preserved by the county Historical Resources Advisory Board, are torn up and destroyed by county work crews.

JUNE

If the first amendment is not repealed, the terrorists will have won

Rep. Ginny Brown-Waite calls for Congress to rescind press credentials for the New York Times after the paper reports on a secret counterterrorism program that tracks international banking transactions.

DUDE, TACO BELL IS THAT WAY: A 120-pound black bear wanders into an Inverness neighborhood looking for food. After deputies approach it, the bear runs off and hides.

A SOAP OPERA COMES TO LIFE: A Crystal River High School drama teacher is reprimanded for losing control of students in her charge during a six-day trip to Tampa. One student went into labor alone in a hotel room, several students got lost in the city, and some students complained about being overworked and not getting enough food. One student said the teacher kissed him in front of other students.

HEY, MA, WHY DOES BILLY KEEP CALLING YOUR MEDICARE INFO LINE?: Calls to UnitedHealthcare's Medicare information line are routed to a phone sex line called Intimate Encounters, offering "hot, horny girls" instead of details on a dental plan.

SPINNING FURTHER AND FURTHER OUT OF CONTROL: For the second time in a row, Yankeetown cancels a Town Council meeting because most of the members have quit. Residents tell investigators that they saw the mayor dumping town documents into a trash bin.

JULY

ALL IS WELL, NO ONE WAS KILLED: Gov. Jeb Bush declares a state of emergency in Yankeetown and orders a special election of council members. In the first meeting after the governor's actions, residents yell profanities at each other and police are needed to calm the crowd. The mayor declares the meeting "a success."

HE JUST WANTED TO GO TO JAIL FOR SOME OF THAT TASTY MYSTERY MEAT: Frustrated by having to wait four hours to bail a buddy out of the county jail, Raymond Skuta yells at a corrections officer as he leaves the facility and splashes a liquid at him. He is jailed on a battery charge.

YOU MEAN YOU CAN'T BUILD ROADS WITH JELL-O?: Tests show that the recently widened and resurfaced County Roads 491 and 486 have a base of "soft, mucky material that can't support the load," according to a county official. Sections of the roads have to be rebuilt.

SEPTEMBER

Great career move, Chuck

The County Commission ends its months-long search for a new county administrator by offering the job to Charles Saddler. Only then is it revealed that Saddler was fired from his last job, something he forgot to mention. After ticking off commissioners by increasing his demands for a compensation package in case he is fired, Saddler withdraws his request to be considered for the position.

UNSAFE AT ANY SPEED: Deputies say Richard Mora used a golf cart to knock a neighbor off a bike, then threatened him with a gun in a dispute over the sale of an all-terrain vehicle.

NEITHER DO WE, MR. SPETZ, NEITHER DO WE: Glen Spetz becomes the latest person to quit the Yankeetown Town Council. Spetz, who's in his 80s, says "I don't view the future with any great delight."

NEW SHOE GIVES HIM A LEAD FOOT: Louis Bequer's special orthopedic shoe gets stuck on the gas pedal, and he drives his 1997 Buick through the front window of the Sheriff's Office substation in Beverly Hills.

IT'S ONE THING TO KILL A TOWN, BUT KIDNAPPING A KITTY? THAT'S GOING TOO FAR: Yankeetown Mayor Joanne Johannesson resigns, and asks the governor to pull the town's charter. She also laments the mysterious disappearance of her cat Stormy.

LAUGH NOW, BUT WHEN THE MONGOL HORDES ATTACK, THEY'LL BE READY: The Sheriffs Office acquires a military surplus 7-ton armored vehicle for use in emergency situations.

LUCKILY, THE DEPUTY WAS INSIDE AN ARMORED VEHICLE: Upset that a landscape worker had removed a dead tree from his lawn, at the county's request, a Beverly Hills man fires shots from a pellet gun at the worker and then fires a rifle as a deputy approaches the house.

OCTOBER

Politics ain't for sissies

The race between incumbent Rep. Ginny Brown-Waite and challenger John Russell gets increasingly hostile as supporters and the candidates heckle each other at forums with shouts of "coward" and "cockroach."

THE VOICES SAID DEADWOOD, NOT DEAD BODIES: Saying he heard "the head security officer for the state" telling him that there were dead bodies inside, a 77-year-old Homosassa man drives his Chevrolet Impala through the glass-door entrance of the county government office building in Lecanto.

DOES THIS SKIRT UNDER MY PANTS MAKE MY BUTT LOOK BIG?: A 29-year-old man is arrested after a security guard sees him on camera going into a dressing room with two denim skirts and walking out with one in his hands and wearing one under his clothes.

THE PIRATE NOW GRIPS A DAISY IN HIS TEETH: Crystal River High School principal Patrick Simon redraws the school's Pirate logo for his business cards, scrapping the knife in the pirate's mouth.

NOVEMBER

IT'S JUST A HARMLESS DOCUMENTARY ON HAIR STYLES. YEAH, THAT'S IT: A custodian at Lecanto High School resigns after officials become aware that he has been secretly videotaping female teachers and students.

CAUTION, GENIUS AT WORK: The aptly named Eric Smart is arrested for allegedly stealing beer from one store and cell phones from another the day after being released from jail. His capture was easy: He had been ordered to wear an electronic monitoring device.

IT'S AN ELECTION, IT'S FLORIDA, THERE MUST BE SOMETHING WRONG: Local Democrats demand a recount in the race between Bernie Leven and John Thrumston, claiming a possible problem with the absentee ballots. Days later, without a recount, they drop the challenge.

SURPRISE, THIS IS A REAL JAIL: Daniel Maxwell is charged with trying to pass a fake $50 bill and with trying to sell fake crack cocaine. He tried to buy booze with the fake money and was caught later with the phony drugs.

DECEMBER

Is that a flipper in your pants or are you just glad to see me?

Thanks to late-night comedian Conan O'Brien, manatees get a boost from a new Web site launched through his show. Hornymanatee.com spoofs manatees while helping draw attention to their status as a threatened species.

WIN SOME, LOSE SOME: Jim Brunswick, who lost a race for the County Commission, settles a discrimination suit against the county and wins $90,000 but resigns his job in the utilities department.

BUILDING CIVIC SPIRT, ONE JUVENILE ACT OF VANDALISM AT A TIME: Winston Perry, a member of the Inverness Olde Towne Association business group, is arrested after he allegedly uses a key to scratch the paint off a car in a parking lot dispute.

See you next year!

[Last modified December 31, 2006, 07:20:03]