That was the year that wasn't

The fake Tampa Bay and Florida year in review.

By HOWARD TROXLER
Published December 31, 2006

Jan. 18: Porn industry creates jobs at the Pier in St. Petersburg, even without a tax subsidy.

Feb. 1: Crossbow season legalized in state. Protest filed by the Association of Persons with Apples on Their Heads.

Feb. 14: Pinellas proposes a 5,000-machine Skee-Ball arcade at Fort De Soto Park.

Feb. 26: Entire Pasco County Commission is caught playing World of Warquest during public hearing.

March 3: St. Petersburg announces all its one-way streets will become two-way. And vice versa.

March 16: Hillsborough School Board is red-faced to learn it has been employing Mr. Haney from Green Acres as its real estate broker.

April 21: FDLE chief Guy Tunnell resigns after a wacky chase in which he crashes his patrol car into the creek and the Dukes get away again.

April 23: Museum of Science and Industry breaks attendance records for exhibit of bodies. So does Joe Redner.

May 13: New poll finds bay area teachers are demoralized by (a) the FCAT, (b) the FCAT, (c) the FCAT, (d) polls.

May 24: Pinellas introduces cartoon "Birdie Bob" to promote using nature preserves to irrigate golf courses.

June 17: Tampa named one of most uncomfortable U.S. cities by Old Spice. St. Petersburg gripes at being left out.

July 13: Aquarium with cownose rays opens at Tropicana Field. They turn out to be Yankee fans.

Aug. 6: Mystery behind fake-grouper conspiracy is solved when divers discover a large underwater pile of signs that say, "Eat Mor Karp."

Aug. 27: Result of "logic and accuracy" test on Pinellas voting machines: Dewey defeats Truman.

Sept. 9: Democratic candidate Rod Smith denies being close to Big Sugar. Denial discredited when it rains and he starts to melt.

Oct. 12: Hillsborough elections workers are caught using county-mayor petitions for a paper airplane contest.

Oct. 12: Storm with 400-mph winds found on Jupiter. Insurance companies rush to form subsidiaries so they can cancel policies there, too.

Oct. 16: St. Petersburg Times begins publishing upside down with section letters in reverse order. Readers unanimously pleased.

Oct. 27: Sun blotted out in Tampa by 4-mile-wide Charlie Crist sign in sky.

Nov. 7: Outback executives, seeking a secluded booth for a lunch meeting, ask to "go private" but are misunderstood.

Nov. 21: Cruise line revenues sag when customers realize they can catch viruses and suffer on dry land for free.

Nov. 21: Ex-Jabil Circuit exec who stole $1.8-million gets no prison time. Motion filed by 674 armed robbers saying, "We want that judge."

Nov. 21: Tampa Bay Water announces that to save time, from now on it will just pile up money intended for desal plant repair and set it on fire.

Nov. 30: Legislature calls insurance session. Hopes dashed when all 160 lawmakers are bribed with refrigerator-magnet calendars.

Dec. 17: State, feds announce new "Create Your Own Wetland with a Garden Hose" program.

Dec. 20: St. Petersburg Housing Authority changes name to "St. Petersburg Condo Conversions Inc." Executive director awarded raise.

Dec. 30: Gov. Jeb Bush resigns early, appoints committee of know-it-all newspaper columnists to run state.

Dec. 31: State sinks into sea.

[Last modified December 31, 2006, 07:06:06]