Print

Email story

Comment

Email editor

Lean, mean dancing machine on horizon?

By RICK GERSHMAN
Published January 12, 2007

You should be dancing, yeah

- The Bee Gees

You can dance, you can jive, having the time of your life

See that girl, watch that scene, diggin' the dancing queen

- Abba

I like to rhyme, I like my beats funky

I'm spunky. I like my oatmeal lumpy

The Humpty Dance, it's your chance to do the hump

- Che Guevara

Okay, I might be wrong. Perhaps the revolutionary socialist icon Che Guevara did not, in fact, author the revolutionary booty-shaking iconic hit rap tune The Humpty Dance.

Sorry, my mind's just clouded with dance. Which is sad, because I can't dance at all. And lord knows I'm no celebrity.

So even I'm not sure how I got hooked up with this "Celebrity Dancing in Tampa Bay" event, which will raise funds for the Spring of Tampa Bay domestic violence shelter.

I do recall that it had something to do with spring break. But exactly what?

A The event's organizers heard about the standing ovation I received for my drunken Riverdance performance last spring in a Panama City back alley.

B) You try moonwalking down Clearwater Beach wearing nothing but hip waders and a sherbet orange Kangol.

C) Hooper's a weasel.

You're leaning toward C, but don't be so hard on my buddy Ernest "I'm bringing sexy back - and, while I'm at it, I'm bringing hairy back back" Hooper.

Hoop was showing me some love when he passed on participating in the March 22 competition, citing something about spending spring break with his purportedly existent) "family."

The organizers of "Celebrity Dancing" - don't call it Dancing With the Stars, or ABC will send Rosie O'Donnell down to break our kneecaps - invited Hooper to participate because he writes a popular column for the Times.

He's a recognizable guy. There's a caricature of Hoop on the wall at the Palm steakhouse.

Similarly, there's a caricature of me at a well-known Tampa destination. However, it's at the Hub. On the bathroom wall.

Still, Hoop was looking out for me. When he couldn't do it, he pitched my name. Then he called to explain. Here's the gist of it:

"They're gonna start firing people one day, Gersh. You gotta raise your profile, you know? Get people to know who you are. Then they can't fire you."

It was a point I probably would have taken to heart - had not Paramount Pictures recently canned some peripheral celebrity named, oh, Tom Cruise.

For this, I'm going to suffer through 10 hours of dance instruction? Not to mention the humiliation that awaits me March 22 at the Tampa Bay Performing Arts Center?

I'm taking on real celebrities (well, local celebs, at least) like former Tampa Mayor Dick Greco and Channel 8 anchor Gayle Guyardo.

I can't dance. I can barely walk. Sure, I used to break-dance, thrilling the crowds on the mean streets of Spring Hill.

And yes, you're right, I was the Bolivian Grand Lambada Master for four wonderful years in the early 1990s. But the lambada is "the forbidden dance." So those skills are worthless to me now.

Still, I'll be flattered to break out my my my my my boogie shoes for the Spring. It's a wonderful organization that I've done some work for in the past.

As we approach the big event, I'll tell you about my progress. If, mind you, there is any progress. If not, things could get mighty ugly.

And that, I promise, is my last Rosie O'Donnell joke.

Rick Gershman can be reached at rgershman@sptimes.com or 226-3431. His Times blog, the Ill Literate, is at www.sptimes.com/blogs/tampaarts.

[Last modified January 11, 2007, 08:12:09]