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Tell Me About It

Secrecy of greater concern than secret

By CAROLYN HAX
Published January 27, 2007

Q: I have been dating a guy for about a month, and he just decided to tell me he is divorced. I knew he was in a seven-year relationship, but nothing was ever mentioned about being married. Why wouldn't he just tell me upfront? He claims he didn't want me to think less of him. I wonder if he is keeping other things from me

A: He may be keeping other things from you, but you don't need to work that hard to find a problem with what he just did. How can you be comfortable with his divorce when he isn't?

I suppose the arguments for holding out are that he doesn't want to share such intimate information until he feels comfortable with someone, or that he thinks he needs to develop some emotional attachment or else his dates will all just turn and run.

Where health is gray upon gray, divorce tends to be black-and-white. People generally are either willing to date those who've been divorced - some to the point of preferring them - or they aren't. And, when they are willing, their one concern tends to be that the majority of shame, regrets, raw nerves and other emotional land mines be securely contained in the past.

Waiting a month didn't make this guy less divorced, and his "Don't hate me because I'm divorced" moment didn't sound like a fresh start in progress.

Still, it is possible (with an assist from compassion) that this was a one-time misjudgment.

Assuming you like him enough to want it, I think the truth is within your reach if you confess to your nagging concern - not with his news, but his tiptoeing around it. Listen carefully to his response.

If you do find he's comfortable enough for you to feel comfortable, then that's at least some good news. The bad news is, if he is comfortable with it, then you have to go back to asking yourself why it took him so long to share.

Washington Post Writers Group

[Last modified January 26, 2007, 11:03:35]