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First Lady's Man

We can only imagine the possibilities should Hillary Clinton take the White House.

By JANET K. KEELER
Published February 2, 2007

ADVERTISEMENT [Times illustration and animation: John Corbitt]

Hillary Clinton is running for president. You know what that means, don't you? If she wins, Bill Clinton will be, dare we say, first gentleman. It's a delicious notion, the idea of Mr. Clinton as the president's steadfast companion, her closest confidante, the guy who picks the White House china. It'll be his job, just like it's been every first lady's since Martha Washington, to smile adoringly and be supportive even when something more fun comes along. Like drinks with the incoming class of interns. There will be all sorts of firsts to be noted if the former first lady becomes president and the former president is made the nation's host. Can you say Superpower couple? Imagine, if you will, four years (or more) of the Little Mister, our nation's symbol of home and family. Here's our idea of how it might all play out.

OFFICIAL TITLE: First Lady's Man. (From a campaign poster spotted in Des Moines.)

INAUGURATION OUTFIT: Jackie Kennedy had the pillbox hat; Barbara Bush the pearl choker. The first gentleman's sartorial choices will unfortunately be limited to dark suits and red ties. For weeks after the ceremony, though, the White House press corps will wonder: boxers or briefs?

INAUGURAL DANCE SONG: Baby Got Back by Sir Mix-A-Lot.

SIGNATURE DESIGNER: Mr. Clinton may have to give up his office in Harlem for the White House, but he'll bring his new street cred with him by wearing lots of Sean John, the clothing line of hip-hop mogul Diddy.

PERSONAL STYLIST: Jonathan Antin, who keeps bugging him to be on his Bravo reality show, Blow Out. "C'mon man, you've got babe hair." Antin will never let Clinton follow his wife's unfortunate example and wear a headband.

WHITE HOUSE CHRISTMAS TREE: 10-foot aluminum tree with revolving color wheel spotlight. Shades of Elvis, his idol.

CHIEF OF PROTOCOL: Jo Frost of Nanny 911, strongly recommended by Hillary. Frost uses three words to keep him away from the naughty corner: "Monica, Monica, Monica."

PERSONAL GURU: Nancy Reagan had astrologer Jeane Dixon. Clinton's advisers will be diet doctor Andrew Weil for his inner health, actor George Clooney for his outer playboy.

DECORATOR: Ty Pennington, Extreme Makeover. Every administration needs a guy with a bullhorn and spiked hair, especially if he knows how to handle a chain saw.

PET PROJECTS: As the former commander-in-chief, the first gentleman is capable of multi-projecting. He pushes three simultaneously: "I Do," "I Don't" and "I Didn't."

"I Do," a campaign to legalize marriage for all Americans, paving the way for homosexuals (as well as Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie) to marry.

"I Don't," a healthy-eating initiative based on avoiding trans fats and McDonald's Quarter Pounders.

"I Didn't," a clean living bill. Clinton claimed he didn't inhale or go all the way with a young woman wearing a beret, and neither should his fellow Americans.

STATE DINNERS: Forget the sit-down dinners for 200. Inform all heads of state to double up on their B-12 shots and get ready for all-night keggers! BYOS (bring your own sax).

PERSONAL CHEF: Bye-bye, Cristeta Comerford; howdy, Paula Deen.

FIRST DOG: Afghan hound named Trippy Linda.

SECRET SERVICE CODE NAME: Rerun

MOST TRYING MOMENT: Chelsea registers Republican, then begins dating Pat Robertson's grandson.

BIGGEST SCANDAL, FIRST TERM:

$10,000 monthly dry cleaning bill.

BIGGEST SCANDAL, SECOND TERM:

$10,000 monthly bill for late-night TV shopping sprees, including multiple purchases of Tony Little's Gazelle.

[Last modified February 1, 2007, 11:54:44]