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Dustup over domestic duties

By TIMES WIRES
Published February 3, 2007

When Debbie Nunes eyes dirty dishes, sweaty socks or crumbs on the countertop, only one thought comes to mind: Must clean now.

But her husband, Troy, kicks back with a more mellow attitude toward mess.

"Why does it have to be done this second?" the Atlanta man routinely asks his wife when prodded to pick up.

The arm-wrestling is not just about wiping the counters clean before the crumbs attract mice.

Like many American women, Nunes is convinced her husband is blind to mess.

She might see a tangle of toys and games that need to be sorted and stored in their proper place. He sees just a pile of toys.

She gets frustrated and feels underappreciated. He thinks she's being petty, and he feels underappreciated for his other contributions to the family, such as coaching his boys' baseball and football teams and doing the dishes.

Squabbling over honey-do lists plays out across the country and doesn't stop inside the kitchen or laundry room.

With society no longer revolving around clearly defined gender roles, couples must negotiate domestic duties, everything from who scrubs the toilets to who goes grocery shopping to who gets little Maddie to ballet practice on time.

Of laundry and love

While men are stepping up their game and doing more around the house than ever before, women still do the lion's share of housework.

A 2004 U.S. Labor Department study found that employed women spent an hour more a day on housework and working mothers of children 6 and younger spent more than double the time men did on child care.

Women also shoulder more "shadow work," like keeping track of who needs new shoes and scheduling doctor's appointments, according to studies.

But men spend more time at the office - employed men work on average about one extra hour every day during the week, according to the Labor Department.

And experts say in most cases, tensions at home can't be attributed to lazy loafers or whiny wives but are instead linked to growing demands and stresses on Mom and Dad. But damage is still done: Divvying up chores has developed into one of the five biggies in relationships - up there with money, sex, work and parenting issues.

The cumulative effect of constant bickering over chores can chip away at the core of a relationship and lead to problems in all the other categories.

"Women feel this huge burden, and they feel like their husbands take them for granted, and men get confused. 'Why is she so upset? This is just as dirty as my dorm room. What's the problem?' " said Dr. Scott Haltzman, an assistant professor of psychiatry and human behavior at Brown University and author of The Secrets of Happily Married Men.

But Haltzman thinks there's good reason for men to pay more attention to domestic affairs.

Men who mop and dust find their actions in the kitchen result in more action in the bedroom.

Psychologist and marriage expert John Gottman has discovered that men who do housework frequently have more active and better-quality sex lives.

It's not that women get turned on watching their sweethearts iron sheets, but they respond to being relieved of work and having time to relax.

"They see it as an act of love. They can take some time to relax," said Haltzman. "And it's speaking a language women understand."

Fret less about mess

Experts say managing household chores doesn't have to escalate into fights or cause hurt feelings.

First, couples need to take ownership on some tasks, they say.

And then, women must be more relaxed about chaos, and men need to be more deliberate in helping out. (While there are always exceptions to the rule, chore wars still tend to fall in with traditional roles, with women overwhelmingly the ones more bothered by mess.)

For example, if Dad is in charge of dinner on Tuesdays and it's pizza, Mom shouldn't complain, said Stacy DeBroff, a parenting expert and regular guest on NBC's Today show. "Their ideas may not be the same as yours, but that's one night you don't have to deal with dinner," DeBroff said.

DeBroff, mom to two teenagers and married almost 20 years, said she has learned over time to fret less about mess.

"I used to have to have the front hall meticulous at all times," she said. "Now I can go days with all of the sports stuff there. I can live with the kids' shorts and sneakers, and I know in a few days my husband will get to it."

Haltzman recommends that men, who say they "will get to it in 10 minutes," actually set the alarm on their cell phone so they can stick to their word.

Fast Facts:

Tips for order - and peace - at home

1. Be specific with your requests for help. "Please load the dishwasher after dinner" is better than "Please clean up after dinner."

2. Devise a plan. Jot down all tasks and determine each person's responsibilities.

3. Lower expectations. Don't worry about whether the task gets done your way. What's important is that it gets done.

4. Relax your standards. Use paper plates once in a while. Let the kids' room be messy for a few days. Order takeout.

5. Follow through. Use a day planner or your cell phone's alarm to stick to your word.

6. Give rewards. Show your spouse that pitching in more offers benefits.

7. Say thank you.

8. Consider designating one messy/junk area.

9. Consider getting a housekeeper twice monthly, if the budget allows.

10. If you both hate a chore, take turns every six months.

11. Don't fight about chores when you are really irked about something else.

12. Forget 50/50. Don't keep a score sheet.

There's no such thing as equally sharing home tasks. And several factors, such as jobs and personalities, can cloud a person's perception of fairness.

Sources: parenting expert Stacy DeBroff; Dr. Scott Haltzman, author of The Secrets of Happily Married Men; Sandra Beckwith, author of Why Can't a Man Be More Like a Woman?

[Last modified February 2, 2007, 20:20:02]