As months go, at least this one is half over
Consider these folks and their famously troubled turns in the dreaded month we call February.
By STEPHANIE HAYES
Published February 13, 2007
Elvis had this Blue Christmas business all wrong. February is the real bummer month.
Festive decorations have come down. New Year's resolutions are stale. The credit card bills are in.
"Holiday weight" is now just-plain-chub. You can't eat away the misery with Christmas cookies, because you ate them all in January.
February is a movie studio landfill for benign romantic comedies, screwy horror films and the purely unexplainable - Because I Said So, Hannibal Rising, Norbit.
For singles, Valentine's Day is a cute reminder of loneliness, failed relationships and jerkface exes. For couples, it's a chance to wait two hours outside an Italian chain restaurant.
So in the spirit of the blues, here are some people who just may have had a worse February than you.
After canoodling in the Dream House for 43 years, Barbie and Ken called it quits in February 2004. Barbie, with her pinched putty waist and resume of space travel, surgery and professional basketball, didn't need to be defined by a man. Ken, with his plastic hair and lack of proper man parts, probably fared worse in the modern dating scene. Hey, there's always Midge.
On a February 2006 quail-hunting trip, Vice President Dick "Sharp Shot" Cheney accidentally unloaded a bunch of birdshot into Harry Whittington, his 78-year-old hunting buddy. The experience also induced a minor heart attack. While Cheney's people cleaned up the PR mess, Whittington learned how it felt to be a quail.
Lady Jane Grey
Talk about a tease. For nine days in 1553, Lady Jane Grey was queen of England. It was a political ploy to keep Catholic Mary Tudor out of the throne. Still, Tudor supporters got Grey to give up the crown. Here's the kicker - Grey, tried for high treason, was beheaded on Feb. 12, 1554.
When you gotta go, you gotta go. In February 1982, Ozzy Osbourne, plastered and wearing a dress, urinated on the wall of the Alamo in San Antonio. Police arrested the Prince of Darkness, who subsequently was banned from playing in San Antonio. Think he remembers the Alamo?
In February 1990, Mike Tyson's career hit the mat. Boxer James "Buster" Douglas knocked Tyson out at a fight in Tokyo, snagging the title of World Heavyweight Champion. For Tyson, it was all downhill from there - the prison sentence, the ear-biting, the unfortunate facial tattoo.
Tonya Harding's Olympic dreams were flushed down the loo in February 1994. She blamed a faulty bootlace for her rotten showing at the Lillehammer Games. She came in eighth and was banned from competitive figure skating. Nancy Kerrigan had a lousy January when Harding's cohorts infamously whacked her kneecap with a lead pipe.
Being annoying can only get you so far. Socrates, who ticked off the higher-ups in Athens by asking maddening questions, was convicted of corrupting the youth and sentenced to die on Feb. 15, 399 B.C. The gadfly drank a poison hemlock cocktail. As Bill and Ted would say: "Dust. Wind. Dude."
Stephanie Hayes can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org or 813 269-5303.
[Last modified February 13, 2007, 06:40:38]
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