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By HOWARD TROXLER
Published February 18, 2007

News item: St. Petersburg to become Florida's largest city with its own citywide wireless computer network. In theory.

(Sound of a telephone ringing.)

IT: This is Technical Support, how may I help you?

RB: Hi, this is Rick in St. Petersburg. We seem to be having some trouble with our new network.

IT: I'm sorry, what was that name again? Mick in Peterville?

RB: Uh, I think the account is listed under "St. Petersburg."

IT: Petersburg, Virginia?

RB: Florida. St. Petersburg, Florida. Look, you just built a network for us!

IT: Just a minute. ... (typing sounds). All right,, Mr. Petersburg, I have your account. What's the problem?

RB: Our wireless isn't working.

IT: Are you sure?

RB: Well, I'm looking out the window of City Hall at an angry mob of about 10,000 people who say that it's down.

IT: Can you do me a favor? Are you near the window?

RB: Yes.

IT: Stick your head out and ask them if they rebooted.

RB: Okay. (Brief pause. Shouting in background.) They say they did.

IT: All right. Well, our computers are saying that things are great in St. Petersburg.

RB: Of course things are great in St. Petersburg! Except for this!

IT: You sound a little tense.

RB: Tents? What? Are you making fun of me?

IT: Puh-lease, Mr. Petersburg ...

RB: Police? Did you say police? I told you, I didn't know anything about that!

IT: I don't what you're talking about, Mr. Petersburg. I don't live in your city.

RB: You don't? I thought you were supposed to set up a headquarters here.

IT: Well, I'm in Tampa Bay, Florida.

RB: There is NO such place. Are you in Tampa?

IT: Actually, I work for a company in Tampa, but I'm really in Pakistan. Let's try this, Mr. Petersburg. Go to "Tools" and choose "Internet Options" and then click on the tab that says "City Settings."

RB: All right, just a sec ... Tools ... Options ... there.

IT: There should be a line saying, "City is Dynamic/City is Static" with a box beside each one. Is one checked?

RB: Uh, Dynamic.

IT: Hmm, I'm pretty sure it's a static address. Could anyone have changed the setting?

RB: (Long pause.) I thought "Static" was some kind of slam on St. Petersburg, so I switched it.

IT: Have you changed anything else?

RB: Uh, I disabled the City Council.

IT: That probably wouldn't have any effect.

RB: You're telling me.

IT: Wait, here's something. Looks like half your bandwidth is getting chewed up by somebody named "BruceW" who keeps mass-mailing copies of a YouTube video.

RB: What about the other half?

IT: There seems to be a fleet of RVs parked right at the city limits, sponging free wireless off the city.

RB: Darn it! We'll just have to annex them.

IT: Can we be of any other assistance to you today?

RB: Yes. It really bugs me when people keep saying "Tampa" when they're talking about St. Petersburg. And people keep comparing me to the mayor of Tampa. Is there anything you can do about that?

IT: Absolutely! You can install our Anti-Pam Filter.

[Last modified February 18, 2007, 00:24:37]