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Rescuers of the lost Oscars

Some of filmdom's precious golden idols have ended up in the wrong hands. Join us as we risk all to take them back for those most worthy of the accolades.

By STEVE PERSALL
Published February 25, 2007

ADVERTISEMENT [Times illustration: John Corbitt] “How could they possibly give the (take your pick) Oscar to (fill in the blank) instead of (fill in another blank)?” [Times file photo] Citizen Kane gets the How Green Was My Valley Oscar. Every film buff can’t be wrong. Related links: Oscar drops few clues about this year's winners But here's a tip: Don't count on conventional wisdom when it comes to making your predictions. Not every best actress is younger than 40. The 79th Academy Awards are Sunday, Feb. 25 at 8 p.m. on ABC. The 2007 nominees Best and worst Oscar moments Read analysis Vote for best picture 2006 fashion highlights tbt* Oscar Bingo

When the applause ends at tonight's 79th annual Academy Awards, the grumbling will begin:

"How could they possibly give the (take your pick) Oscar to (fill in the blank) instead of (fill in another blank)?"

Hollywood's swank orgy of self-congratulation is bound to disappoint people, because everyone's favorite can't win. That's part of the fun and frustration that make the Oscars the world's most alluring spectator event.

So we're indulging in a little dramatic revision today, rescuing a few Oscars and putting them where they should have gone in the first place.

But first: Why do so many Oscars get into the wrong hands?

In a lot of ways, the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences is like high school. The popular kids get all the good stuff.

In Hollywood, your politics can help make you popular. Just ask anti-paparazzi/pro-peace activist George Clooney and Bush basher Michael Moore.

Paradoxically, unpopular ideals can also help, since they allow voters to pretend politics don't matter. George C. Scott railed against acting competitions and still was named best actor for Patton.

Naturally, you've gotta have friends - particularly a promotional genius such as producer Harvey Weinstein - to campaign with Academy members.

Everyone loves a comeback, but there's a collective academy urge to be starmakers; more first-time acting nominees win Oscars than you may think.

Paybacks for past slights are even more common - that's why everyone's buzzing about Martin Scorsese, perhaps the greatest director never to win an Oscar.

Then there are lifetime achievement prizes disguised as Academy Awards - such as for Helen Hayes (Airport) and Don Ameche (Cocoon).

Hollywood lineage was an advantage to winners such as Angelina Jolie, Tatum O'Neal, Jane Fonda and Nicolas Cage. Having a British accent doesn't hurt, either. Actors who play characters who aren't as attractive or intelligent as they themselves are also win points.

Outside pressure matters, too. Citizen Kane is widely proclaimed the greatest film of all time, but its inspiration, powerful publishing tycoon William Randolph Hearst, hated it. It lost the Oscar.

Moviegoers sometimes count: So many people adored Rocky and Titanic, they beat out superior competition.

With all those factors in mind, here are our nominees for the worst Oscar choices of all time, and where those statuettes should have gone.

The nominees in the category of Best Picture That Really Wasn't are . . .

An American in Paris 1951 - Anyone remember anything about this film except Gene Kelly's climactic 18-minute ballet (which had little to do with the rest of the movie)? A Streetcar Named Desire and A Place in the Sun lost the Oscar, but gained posterity.

Around the World in Eighty Days (1956) - Enough celebrities made cameo appearances to ensure victory for Mike Todd's lead balloon. Meanwhile, Giant featured Elizabeth Taylor, James Dean, Rock Hudson and director George Stevens at their zeniths.

Chariots of Fire (1981) - The slowest movie about racing ever made. Better to choose Indiana Jones outrunning a boulder in Raiders of the Lost Ark.

How Green Was My Valley (1941) - How shortsighted were Oscar voters, honoring this Welsh mining disaster instead of the now-legendary Citizen Kane or even The Maltese Falcon.

Ordinary People (1980) - Robert Redford proved blockbuster-era movie stars could direct. Meanwhile, Martin Scorsese's Raging Bull is considered the best film of the decade by everyone except the academy.

The envelope: Citizen Kane gets the How Green Was My Valley Oscar. Every film buff can't be wrong.

The nominees in the category of Best Director Who Really Wasn't are . . .

Robert Benton, Kramer vs. Kramer (1979) - You think detailing a messy divorce and child custody case is tough? Try re-creating the Vietnam War experience as Francis Ford Coppola did in Apocalypse Now.

Mel Gibson, Braveheart (1995) - Redford, Beatty, Costner. If the academy weren't so infatuated with movie stars behind the camera we might not have Mad Mel to worry about. Ron Howard (Apollo 13) and Chris Noonan (Babe) were victims of popularity, not talent.

Robert Redford, Ordinary People (1980) - We wouldn't be hoping Martin Scorsese will finally win an Oscar tonight for The Departed if his superior Raging Bull had been properly recognized all those years ago over Redford's weepfest.

Carol Reed, Oliver! (1968) - The death rattle of movie musicals until Moulin Rouge and Chicago resurrected the genre. Does anyone still believe Reed's elaborate dinner theater outshone Stanley Kubrick's 2001: A Space Odyssey?

Tony Richardson, Tom Jones (1963) - Federico Fellini also made a humorous movie that year about sex and vanity, 8 1/2. It was much better than Richardson's romp, but lacked those all-important British accents.

The envelope: Stanley Kubrick gets Carol Reed's Oscar, though he was greater than any of these nominees with one hand tied behind his back and eyes wide shut.

The nominees in the category of Best Actor Who Really Wasn't are . . .

Roberto Benigni, Life is Beautiful (1997) - Proof that Oscar voters factor acceptance speech entertainment potential into their decisions. Benigni walked on chairs to the stage past the far more deserving Ian McKellen (Gods and Monsters) and Edward Norton (American History X).

David Niven, Separate Tables (1958) - Debonair scenery chewing didn't cut it against Paul Newman (Cat on a Hot Tin Roof), Spencer Tracy (The Old Man and the Sea) and the vote-splitting tandem of Sidney Poitier and Tony Curtis (The Defiant Ones).

Lee Marvin, Cat Ballou (1965) - Even Marvin confessed on stage that a hungover horse deserved half his statuette. A better choice would have been Rod Steiger's searing portrayal of a Holocaust survivor in The Pawnbroker.

Paul Newman, The Color of Money (1986) - Oscar's most glaring mistakes are typically paybacks for previous errors. Newman deserved an Academy Award, but not for reprising The Hustler and not against James Woods in Salvador.

John Wayne, True Grit (1969) - An eyepatch was the only difference between Rooster Cogburn and Wayne's other cowboy roles. Another payback for a storied career, this one at the expense of one of the best screen performances ever, Dustin Hoffman's Ratso Rizzo in Midnight Cowboy.

The envelope: Dustin Hoffman gets John Wayne's Oscar. Sorry, pilgrims.

The nominees in the category of Best Actress Who Really Wasn't are . . .

Judy Holliday, Born Yesterday (1950) - The Benigni of her generation, so adorable that Oscar voters wanted to see her ditzy one more time. Or maybe Gloria Swanson's transcendent turn as a faded movie star in Sunset Boulevard hit too close to home.

Helen Hunt, As Good As It Gets (1997) - Sitcom mannerisms on the big screen, immeasurably aided by Jack Nicholson's presence. Judi Dench in Mrs. Brown would have been a grander selection; the academy made it up to Dench the following year with that dubious supporting actress prize she got for a brief role in Shakespeare in Love.

Grace Kelly, The Country Girl (1954) - The future princess of Monaco wasn't bad, but Judy Garland's signature role in A Star is Born was an overlooked milestone in an epic career.

Nicole Kidman, The Hours (2002) - "Even crazy people like to be asked," said Kidman as neglected author Virginia Woolf. Yes, but they don't need to win an Oscar for wearing a putty nose and feigning dowdiness. Any of the other four nominees were superior, especially Renee Zellweger in Chicago.

Ginger Rogers, Kitty Foyle (1940) - All that dancing with Fred Astaire paid off, garnering votes for a rare dramatic role that hasn't aged well. You can't say that about Katharine Hepburn in The Philadelphia Story.

The envelope: Judy Holliday's Oscar goes to Gloria Swanson, still big while the movies get smaller.

The nominees in the category of Best Supporting Actor Who Really Wasn't are . . .

Don Ameche, Cocoon (1985) - His most memorable moment was actually a stunt man breakdancing at the Coliseum in St. Petersburg. William Hickey (Prizzi's Honor) and Robert Loggia (Jagged Edge) provided their own peak scenes.

Jim Broadbent, Iris (2001) - Typically solid work from a still-underrated actor. The Oscar should've gone to Ben Kingsley for a surprisingly rabid turn as a cold-blooded mobster in Sexy Beast.

George Chakiris, West Side Story (1961) - Great dancer, exotically handsome but where's the acting? The academy skipped The Hustler's supporting tandem of George C. Scott and Jackie Gleason.

Barry Fitzgerald, Going My Way (1944) - The impish Irishman was so popular in Hollywood that he also was nominated for best actor for the same role in the same movie. Rules were changed to prohibit that happening again, but in '44 he beat out the more deserving Clifton Webb (Laura).

Edmond O'Brien, The Barefoot Contessa (1954) - Playing a Hollywood publicist was an inside joke that worked for the academy. Plus, votes fractured among On the Waterfront's trio of nominees (Lee J. Cobb, Karl Malden, Rod Steiger).

The envelope: Ben Kingsley gets Broadbent's Oscar for a role that couldn't have been more different from his best actor pacifist turn in Gandhi.

The nominees in the category of Best Supporting Actress Who Really Wasn't are . . .

Kim Basinger, L.A. Confidential (1997) - Don't hate her because she's beautiful as a 1950s femme fatale. Rather, because she didn't do anything except pose prettily. Julianne Moore in Boogie Nights? Now, there's a performance.

Helen Hayes, Airport (1970) - One of the most sentimental choices of all time. After 53 years of making movies, Hayes still had more work ahead but voters weren't taking chances at her advanced age. Even Karen Black (Five Easy Pieces) deserved better consideration.

Maggie Smith, California Suite (1978) - An Oscar winner playing a nominated actor poking fun at the Oscars. What a stretch. Meanwhile, Meryl Streep (The Deer Hunter) got robbed in her first trip to the Oscars.

Beatrice Straight, Network (1976) - Five minutes and 40 seconds of histrionics made this the shortest Oscar-winning performance ever. Pickings were slim that year, but Piper Laurie's crazed mom in Carrie stood out.

Renee Zellweger, Cold Mountain (2003) - Possibly the most flagrant payback in Oscar history. After getting dissed for Chicago, Zellweger took dowdy clues from Kidman (The Hours) and dialect cues from Walter Brennan, overacting as an Appalachian fur trapper. Any other nominee would have been more deserving.

The envelope: Zellweger's Oscar goes to Shohreh Aghdashloo in House of Sand and Fog, the most compelling of the competition.

Tell us what you think

Rescue an Oscar

This is a game everyone can play. Go to movies.tampabay.com, click on the link for this story, and go to the bottom to tell us how you'd award past Oscars.

[Last modified February 25, 2007, 05:49:42]