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If he's going to run, Gore needs to start running

By TIMES WIRES
Published February 28, 2007

WATCHING AL'S WEIGHT

If you're watching to see if Al Gore might make a run for president in 2008, so is the campaign of Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton, according to New York Newsday. And members of her staff have come to the conclusion - all anonymously - that the bigger Gore is, the smaller the chance he will run. "If he's running, he'll start losing weight fast. Judging from where he is now, I'd say he's not running. But that could change fast," the paper quoted one Clinton campaign worker as saying after watching Gore test the tensile strength of his Ralph Lauren tux at the Oscars on Sunday.

HEY DUMMY, YOU WON

He doesn't claim he's smart, just rich

Upon hearing a co-worker talk about the "idiot" who hadn't claimed an $800,000 Powerball prize, Ed O'Neill, 58, had an immediate reaction: "I thought, 'Gee, I better look at my ticket.' " That's when the Clinton, Iowa, man realized that he was, in fact, said idiot. He called his wife, and she was very excited. "Quit horsing around," she said adoringly. "I'm watching Oprah." Eventually, he convinced her they really had won. They plan to use the $560,000 they get after taxes to pay off their mortgage and their kids' mortgages, help build a small church, save for retirement and vacation in Ireland.

DUMB CRIMINALS

A mask is not a fashion statement

First of all, if you plan on robbing a gas station, wearing a bandanna is pretty solid planning. But one robber in New Zealand needed just a little more instruction than that. He had the bandanna and everything, but he forgot to pull it over his face. Its effectiveness goes way down when it isn't covering the face. Especially when he stood right in front of the security camera. As he stood there menacing the clerk with an iron bar and demanding cash and cigarettes, he noticed the camera. That's when it dawned on him that his face was uncovered. So he pulled it up. Too late. "His method of operation suggests he is not security camera-savvy ... or maybe has not committed a lot of offenses of this nature," Detective Glen Jackson told a television station.

She was exercising some bad judgment

People get arrested for driving cars while intoxicated. People have even gotten arrested for riding bicycles while intoxicated. Rhonda Sue Solomon of Mooresburg, Tenn., was arrested last week while riding a stationary bike while intoxicated. While it is unlikely she would have crashed it into anything, the fellow fitness fanatics at Gold Star Fitness didn't want to take any chances and asked to help her home. When she refused, police were summoned and noted she "was very uncooperative and had an odor of alcohol about her." In a move straight out of Mayberry, Solomon was released after spending seven hours drying out in lock-up.

[Last modified February 28, 2007, 01:32:22]