Living

Mr. Right? Try Mr. Oh So Wrong

Some older men, their female counterparts report, have lost that loving feeling, along with good hygiene and a sense of fashion. And the complaints don't stop there.

By ROBERT N. JENKINS
Published March 27, 2007

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Here's a question for our male readers:

When you look in the mirror before heading out for a date, whom do you see smiling back at you?

Sean Connery, as the only 007? A somewhat older and grayer, but just as charming, George Clooney?

The women around the Tampa Bay area are more likely to see an unshaven Walter Matthau. Or maybe Peter Boyle as the dad on Everybody Loves Raymond, flopping into a chair and unbuckling his belt.

At least that's what several dozen women told LifeTimes in response to our request. What is it, we asked, that you don't like about older men?

The answers were heartfelt. Indeed, on some of the letters it was obvious how hard the pen had been pressed into the stationery.

The complaints ranged from the superficial - an appalling lack of fashion sense and hygiene - to the psychological - men are domineering and consumed by the hope of having sex.

As Kathy Sanders, 53, of Largo wrote:

"The men over 50 I have run into let themselves go by not shaving or bathing often. They tend to be on the lazy side, like they're already retired. They also want women younger than they are."

And Dunedin resident Celeste Black - who suggested we give her "a fake name so that half of the world's population won't be mad me" - said:

"As they reach retirement age and beyond, they become curmudgeons - crusty, ill-tempered complaining about the state of the world, the length of a waiting line, the ineptness of today's clerks, the price of oranges.

"Retirement should be a time of peace and contentment. Come on, guys, lighten up!'

And as for romance, 83-year-old Dottie TerPenning of Clearwater voiced a common complaint:

"There is so much more to communication, which is the most important element between two individuals (but men) first want . . . sex to see if they still can do it (which most of them can't). Even if I was interested, sex doesn't come first in my book."

So, fellows, how did you manage to detour off Suave Street and get lost on Discard Drive?

Turns out, you can blame evolution for a lot of these perceptions - or misperceptions, depending on your viewpoint.

We asked Dr. Berney Wilkinson, an assistant professor in the Department of Psychiatry at the University of South Florida in Tampa, if he had any life preservers to toss to Mr. Tampa Bay:

 

Are there really basic differences between how men and women see each other?

"Younger women have the same complaints about younger men," said Wilkinson. "And the very nature of women is to be more socially aware than men. But as we get older, we lose the self-concern about how others perceive us."

 

But the drumbeat of complaints about men wanting sex, not romance?

"Most men are more interested in sex than in emotional attachments . . . And recently the publicity for medications such as Viagra and Cialis has encouraged older men to regain interest in sex.

"A potential reason that women are less interested in having sex as they get older is the depletion of their hormones that drive the libido."

 

Several of the writers noticed that older men want to be with significantly younger women.

"There is a definite propensity for men to be interested in what other men think of them . . . It is the self-important man (figuratively) saying, 'Look what I have - this nice-looking woman. I'm the alpha male. You other guys have women who are your contemporaries.' "

 

What is the basis for the older man as curmudgeon?

"As we age, we lose the skills we once had. To counter the idea that we are less capable, we reflect instead on our prime, when we were more virile - 'I was so much more capable, more attractive . . .' "

 

Is there some way to avoid the disappointments of failed relationships?

"Relationships grow because the two people have an overlap in their lives. They share interests.

"I encourage people to look for friends within their regular environment . . . their everyday place."

 

Is there a final truth to offer?

"Women many times age better than men."

Uh-oh.

 

Men, rather than becoming defensive, why not tell us your side of the equation? Send your comments, in fewer than 100 words, to:

Women have it wrong

Newsfeatures

St. Petersburg Times

490 First Ave. S

St. Petersburg, FL 33701.

Or send your e-mail to:

bjenkins@sptimes.com.

We'll publish your comments in the May issue of LifeTimes.

And to get you thinking, here are excerpts from what women told us:

Poor hygiene - and worse

Smells let others know our moods, our availability for sex, our essence, our dreams. Many older men transmit what I term "musty old man smells" . . . Whatever the cause, it's a real turnoff! Body odor can communicate what words can't.

Lil Cromer, 60, Belleair

 

I am a single female who began dating last year. These are some of the things I discovered about older men:

- Most have been in long-term relationships and are looking for someone to fill the vacancy in their lives. They are careless about grooming, i.e., in need of haircuts, daily showering, brushing of teeth . . .

- They seem to be interested in sex; however, romance is not important to them.

- They are interested in TV, cheap dates and someone to cook for them.

Please note: The majority are great, and I still love 'em.

Marolyn Seanor, 71, Pinellas Park

Curmudgeons, living in the past

Men over 50 have a tendency to think they can do anything better than the younger guys. They like to say, "When I was your age . . .," usually to point out some flaw in the younger man's quality of living.

Older guys are wiser than their younger counterparts, this is true. But they brag about that fact . . . they don't think of themselves as being older - just smarter.

But all in all, older men are a bit more courteous, caring and giving than younger ones.

Now if they could just learn how to tweeze the hair from their noses and ears, they'd be almost perfect!

Rosemary H. Murray, 57, St. Petersburg

 

Since entering the dating game in my late 50s, two things have bothered me with the men I've met:

- They often live in the past. I have no problem hearing what they did before but would like to see evidence they believe there's a future with something other than watching sports and sitcoms.

- Men underestimate us women. I can't tell you how many times a man has told me how to drive, handle money, my kids, etc.

Nancy White, 63, Clearwater

A housemaid, nurse or driver

I've been a widow for more than 17 years. In 2001, I met a man at a party, and we hit it off. I was under his spell, only to find out he wanted a driver for his recreational vehicle. I'm a retired schoolbus driver and was a veteran camper with my late husband, so off we went.

I was the driver, the cook, the dishwasher and the maid. But if I wanted to see something, it was "No" - I couldn't discuss this country's beauty as he didn't believe in God - so I drove and cried inside at what we were missing . . .

After a while I charged him $1 a mile for chauffeur services. I got $1,500, but that was just a small part of what I was owed for his verbal abuse and disinterest in me, and I drove him more than 32,000 miles in various vehicles.

Mary V. Czarnik, 63, Pinellas Park

 

All about sex

Men over 50 are not romantic but do have sex on the mind 24/7. I still love romance but haven't seen it in 40 years.

Compassion is another word that men over 50 don't know. I had four husbands to compare in 45 years, so I know!

Darlene Lentis, 70, Sun City Center

 

As a post-marriage woman of 17 years . . . the famous quote "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times" comes to mind.

After the divorce I was confident that, at age 49, there would be yet another chance to get back in that land of "couples." There was a need to become a part of the bigger whole.

You must know that men and women cannot simply be friends! Men favor a friendship only if you clean their home, cook and, yes, share their bed. Men need to understand that older women still possess morals and standards, with expectations of these being shared.

Carol Palarino, 64, St. Petersburg

 

On the other hand . . .

As far as he is concerned, blinding me with his smile every time I visit him at the old folks' dorm is his idea of a greeting. Now, I need new bifocals!

Whatever possessed me to go out with a hippie I met in group therapy? His kindness and attentiveness so shocked me that I turned him down for a date, at first.

It's a mystery to me that after 29 years of marriage, he still insists I'm beautiful. Crazy!

Cecilia Evans 55, Brandon

 

I'm 41 and engaged to a man who is 61, and there's nothing wrong with him! Men over 50 are much more considerate and polite than their younger counterparts. Men over 50 respect and appreciate women.

My fiance is affectionate, passionate, very romantic . . . responsible, trustworthy and a wonderful provider.

Patti Patterson, 41, St. Petersburg

 

Men are glorious creatures, but my advice to other women is that most of them take a bit of molding or housebreaking to be good companions: Mama's boys, alcoholics, smokers and even some druggies can be shaped up.

Now, I'm 72 and date a gorgeous, sweet man of 68 who is dealing with both Parkinson's disease and heart problems. Am I willing to go to lots of doctors and support groups to have this wonderful man in my life? You bet!

Adele Ida Walter, 72 and perky!, Tampa

 

I met my wonderful husband 60 years ago . . . in Frankfurt, Germany, and I have never known a moment when he has ever been mean or cross.

If you folks ever do a love story, come to our house, and I will show you a side of a love story that you will remember.

Mercia V. Tillman, 92, Seminole

Fast Facts:

 

About the cartoons

A name familiar to longtime readers of this paper, and of the defunct Evening Independent, appears with today's cover story.

More than a few of you are likely to get a jolt of deja vu as you view the cartoons by Don Addis. That's because Don was a regular contributor with these "Sex Symbols" in Playboy for about 20 years, starting just after he graduated from the University of Florida in 1962.

These are new cartoons, created just for our article.

 

[Last modified March 27, 2007, 08:24:41]