Your next USF coach is ...

We have decided to help USF find their next basketball coach.

Published March 30, 2007

Can USF find anyone to coach its men's basketball team? Yeesh, when guys such as Fran Fraschilla are turning you down, you have problems. USF needs to start thinking outside the box, and we're here to help. What about these people?

Ken Reeves

Who? You know - The White Shadow. Maybe Salami has a couple of years of eligibility left.

Mike Krzyzewski

He's used to losing in Tampa Bay.

John Wooden

Why not? The 96-year-old would say no, but at least USF would have a more impressive list of people who turned it down instead of some guy named Marshall from Winthrop. Or is it some guy named Winthrop from Marshall?

Ashley Judd

We're betting she would be a heck of a recruiter. Then again, she's probably holding out for the Kentucky job.

Dick Vitale

He could coach and be the color guy. Get used to this saying: "We need a T.O. bay-beeee!"

T.J. Rives

Radio guy is the only one who really cares about the USF program to begin with.

Grant Hill

He's used to standing around on the sideline in street clothes.

Robert McCullum

Ain't this ironic? Might be the only guy left in America willing to coach at USF. Then again, the Bulls are in the Big East, and McCullum wants no part of that.

Jose Fernandez

He has done well with the USF women's program. And maybe it would be easier to replace Fernandez because his program is actually in decent shape.


Coach Dale's Hoosiers assistant could get the boys to run the old picket fence.

Adolph Rupp

Yeah, we know the Kentucky legend is dead. But ever see the Robert McCullum Show? You could see vultures hovering in the background.

Larry Brown

USF is one of the six basketball jobs Brown has never taken.

Gabe Kaplan

Did a pretty good job in the movie Fast Break, and now he's not doing much more than freshening up people's drinks on those poker shows.

Whoopi Goldberg

Has coaching experience (Eddie), and there's a decent chance she could get Robin Williams and Billy Crystal to be her assistants.

John Thompson

Okay, we probably won't get the big man himself, but does he have any other kids who would come here?

Jim Leavitt

He's free in the winter and, to the best of our knowledge, is the only coach in America who wants to be at USF.

Pat Summitt

Actually, we're dead serious. She might be the best hoops coach on the planet.

Jerry Tarkanian

USF's facilities aren't great, but surely it can spring for a couple of new towels.

Brian Dennehy

Actually, we'd prefer Bob Knight, but Knight won't come. So why not get the guy who played him in the movie?

Jim Harrick

USF should make this sweet offer: five years, $5-million ... and a signing bonus of 1,000 blank receipts.

SpongeBob SquarePants

Who knows if he can coach? We just were looking for a way to get his picture in the paper. And, heck, he has as many NCAA Tournament victories as all of the USF coaches combined.