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Tell Me About It

Avoiding the issue would be a mistake

By CAROLYN HAX
Published April 7, 2007

Q: Should I invite my girlfriend along on a house-hunting trip with me, even though we have no current plans to live together? We've been dating for over a year and we each live in separate apartments, but I am looking to buy a house soon somewhere nearby.

On the one hand, I'd very much like her to come along, because I value her opinion and her judgment, and I don't want to shut her out of this process. On the other hand, I worry that inviting her along will create the mistaken impression that we're heading for cohabitation. Any thoughts?

A: If you think the worst case is that you give her false hopes, then don't invite her along. To me, though, the worst case would be to overrule a flattering, thoughtful impulse to include her, just because she might misread it.

In fact, false hopes aren't even my second-worst case, which would be to assume she's anxious to live with you when in fact she has no current plans for that.

That's why, when in doubt, it's best just to say no more and no less than exactly what you want her to hear - "I'd very much like you to come along, because I value your opinion and judgment." If you add, " ... and I don't want to shut you out of this process," I think you are suggesting you envision her in this house with you someday.

She can still read just about anything she wants into your invitation, and you can both struggle to deal with that if it happens. A little awkwardness can tell a couple a lot about how well the relationship works.

A new approach

Q: I am having baby No. 2 in a few months and my mother and mother-in-law want to have a shower for me. I've never been to a shower for a second baby, and I really, really don't want friends and family to feel obligated to bring yet another gift. I explained this to my mom/mother-in-law and they still want to do it. I know they just want to do something nice for me. Should I stick up for what I think about this, or am I being an inconsiderate party pooper?

A: I think you're being an extremely considerate party pooper. Become a creative one, and maybe you can make everyone happy. Ask your mother and mother-in-law for an ideas-not-gifts shower, where people write, in a card, their favorite recipe, storybooks, rainy-day distractions; or a family-feeder, where people bring dinners you can freeze for later.

Write: "Tell Me About It," c/o the Washington Post, Style Plus, 1150 15th St., NW, Washington, D.C. 20071.

Washington Post Writers Group

[Last modified April 6, 2007, 08:54:45]