Just accept being a pack mule

By David Norrie and Shannon Van Sickler
Published May 23, 2007

He Said

Men are minimalists.

Why, then, Shannon, are we forced to absorb the decadence of our women? Whether it's in the bedroom closet where your shoes and dresses runneth over, or even in our own pockets, it's hard to ignore the footprint you make on our space.

You and I have addressed the bathroom dilemma before. And everyone knows how fast a woman's stuff takes over a bedroom.

But on our own person? That's too much. Are we expected to be the mode of transportation for all of your lady-tools? Come on, we gotta draw the line there.

Let me clue you in: (A) Men like to be as comfortable as possible at all times. (B) That starts with our pants. Which leads to (C): Just because we have pockets doesn't mean we want them full of your stuff.

Are we to believe it is by happenstance that your keys, lipstick and/or eyeliner ends up in our pockets every time we go out? It's not our fault you went out with a purse that looks like it was meant for Barbie.

This is my constant scenario: I go out. I've got the pants, shirt, shoes. The outfit is looking tight and I've got just the bare essentials - I.D., cash and the car key. Then my girl asks me to hold her cell phone, her lipstick, her I.D., a mirror and who knows what else. So now I'm supposed to go into the club with my pant pockets all jacked up, looking like I just robbed a Mini-Mart?

I don't think so.

We love you ladies, and your beauty provides us with the very sustenance by which we live and breathe. But it's time to carry your own damn stuff.


She Said

Boo hoo, poor Dave.

His "tight" little outfit gets all messed up because he has to carry a little tube of lipstick in his pockets.

Tough life. The ladies of Tampa Bay weep for you. Not.

First off, that kind little gesture of carrying your hot little mama's fire-red Maybelline could make her very grateful. In other words, the little tube putting a bulge in your pants might later seem like ... well, like foreshadowing.

Bet you wouldn't complain then about having to be lipstick carrier.

And how many times have I gone somewhere with my husband and he asks me to stick his sunglasses or his wallet or his keys into my purse?

I oblige him, and if we're out at a bar or something, he holds my lip gloss - without complaint.

You might try it, Dave.

Of course, you have other options, too.

You could stop wearing such tight pants. Then her cell phone would fit just fine.

You could try to tell your girl about the virtues of being "low-maintenance." You know, the whole "less is more" mantra.

Tell her she doesn't need that lipstick because you'll just kiss it away anyway.

Tell her the cell phone will just distract her from dancing the night away with you.

And if that fails, buy her a very fashionable, mid-sized purse. Who knows? Maybe she'll even be so nice as to hold on to your crap.