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What we REALLY need in America

Published June 7, 2007


In Washington they're trying to fix immigration again. They want to let people in while pretending to kick them out. Or maybe it's the other way around; I'm not sure.

Part of the current plan is a "point system" for deciding who gets in, on a scale of 100.

You'd get points for a desirable profession, having a good education, speaking English, getting good test scores and having family ties.

It seems a little snooty to me, especially the education part - 20 points for a graduate degree, 16 for a bachelor's, only 6 for high school.

I bet there are plenty of 6-point high school graduates who would make better citizens than, say, all the 20-point MBAs who ran Enron.

So if Congress doesn't mind, I'd like to suggest extra points for any applicant who:

- Can name all five rights in the First Amendment (30 points).

- Uses turn signals (10 points).

- Has no obnoxious ring tone (5 points).

- Tips 20 percent and is kind to servers (10 points).

- Has never appeared as a shouting panelist in a cable-TV debate (10 points).

- Somehow manages to be funny without having to insult entire races, religions or genders (15 points).

- Doesn't talk on cell phone in movies (10 points). Doesn't narrate the movie out loud out of being too (bleeping) stupid to realize there are other people watching too (30 points).

- Likes cats (5 points).

- Dogs, too (5 points).

- Picks up litter (30 points).

- Releases unused baitfish while saying, "Good luck, little guys" (5 points).

- Takes up only one parking space (15 points).

- Considers opposing viewpoints without getting mad or calling names (50 points).

- Mows own lawn (5 points) without a riding mower (10 points).

- Doesn't forward e-mails with the preface, "I usually don't forward these things, but ..." (15 points).

- Doesn't forward Internet rumors without checking a hoax-busting site such as (15 points).

- Doesn't use a check in the cash-only line (10 points).

- Promises not to be clamoring in five years to keep out "those foreigners" (5 points).

- Grasps the concept that angry tailgating in bumper-to-bumper traffic is unlikely to speed things up (10 points).

- Reads a newspaper (10 points). Reads more than one newspaper for different viewpoints (30 points). Gets mad at something in the paper without threatening to cancel subscription (50 points).

- Can pitch in relief for the Tampa Bay Devil Rays (100 points, automatic admission).

- Does not believe that allowing others to merge in traffic is an admission of weakness (15 points).

- Sides with school when child disciplined (20 points).

- Rides a bicycle (10 points) while obeying traffic laws (10 points).

- Owns no Speedos (10 points) or too-tight pink spandex (10 points).

- Doesn't ask directions in busy toll lane (15 points).

- Actually supports troops in some way other than a ribbon (75 points).

* * *

Feel free to add your own suggestions online at TroxBlog. Also currently on the blog: reaction to Tuesday's big Public Service Commission ruling, and a transcript of this week's live online chat.

To get to TroxBlog, click on the "Blogs" link at, or type in the address

[Last modified June 7, 2007, 00:16:59]

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