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Letter to the editor

It's their day - but it's your time too

Having one of those summers when it seems like everyone is getting married? You can survive the season.

By JAY CRIDLIN
Published June 16, 2007

On the first weekend of June, my wife and I drove to North Carolina to attend our first wedding of 2007. We'd already skipped another one, in May. We've got two more in the next six weeks.

Four weddings in one summer. In 2004, we had five.

It's to be expected. We're 27 and in that phase of our lives where most of our friends and contemporaries are getting married. We've been invited to at least 15 weddings since June 2002; by the end of this summer, one or both of us will have attended 11. All but one were out of state.

This is a beautiful thing, don't get me wrong. But with the costs, travel time and dozens of gifts - wedding gifts, shower gifts, lingerie party gifts - there are years in which it seems all of our disposable income and vacation time go directly into the wedding industry.

How can you make it through your mid-20s wedding boom in one piece?

Here are some tips.

Come bearing gifts

Navigating a half-dozen registries at once can be intimidating, especially if you're not sure what to give - and how much you can afford.

Sites like WeddingChannel. com and TheKnot.com allow you to view registries at multiple stores with one search. If those gifts look too pricey, consider going in with some friends on one large item.

If you're close to the couple, personalized gifts, such as hand-painted pottery or a hand-picked bottle of wine, are inexpensive ways to let your personality shine through in your gift. Fill a nice frame with a cool photo of the couple. Or take a ton of pictures on the big day, then mount them in an artful scrapbook.

Just make sure whatever you pick isn't too similar to an item that's already on their wish list.

And forget the rule about having a year to send a wedding gift. With all the ceremonies on your plate, you'd better take care of the gift while each wedding is fresh in your mind.

Should you go?

If the couple is holding a destination wedding in, say, Hawaii, they won't expect every invitee to make the trip, so don't feel guilty about missing it. If the ceremony is in a familiar place - your hometown or your college town - it can be tougher to say no.

"A lot of people get themselves in trouble when they're like, 'Well, we were really close in high school, but we haven't talked that much, ' " said Sharon Naylor, author of more than 30 wedding guides.

"How important is this person in your life now, and how important can you see them being in the future?"

If you suspect you were sent a mere courtesy invitation, and you're content to maintain a "Level B" friendship going forward, Naylor said, it's fine to skip the trip.

"Realize that even though you know this wedding is very important to the bride and groom, your being there is not the center of their day, " she said.

If you decide to go, plan your trip well in advance, and ask other guests about possibly sharing a hotel room or suite to cut down on costs. Ship your gift ahead of time, if possible; that's one less thing to worry about when you arrive.

And get there early. Imagine the shame of driving 10 hours, only to burst through the chapel doors right as the couple is saying "I do."

Time off

Here's a common complaint: Out-of-town weddings eat up so much vacation time you won't be able to take any trips on your own.

The key is to turn wedding trips into mini-vacations. Ask the bride and groom for ideas on where to go and how to have fun before the wedding. Hook up with your fellow out-of-town friends, the ones you hardly ever see, and make plans to take in the local sights.

Call the wedding planner, if there is one. Part of their job is making sure visiting guests are comfortable. "We'll set up activities around town that they can go and do together prior to the wedding, " said Jennifer L. McCrackin, founder of Tampa event planning company QuickCare. "That way it doesn't make you feel like you're spending every weekend attending someone else's wedding."

Singledom

If you plan to attend a wedding sans partner, you no doubt dread the countdown to the bouquet or garter toss, when all your married friends will push you into a circle of flower girls or creepy unmarried cousins so that you may claim one of those symbolic trinkets as yours, and yours alone. Emphasis on alone.

This isn't necessarily a bad thing. Weddings are great places to meet people, and there are plenty of easy icebreakers: "How do you know the couple?" "What did you think of the ceremony?" "Did you see that one bridesmaid's tattoo?"

If you're invited to bring a guest, ask if any of your single friends want to come along. Beg, if you must. Call in favors. Make it a girls' night out. Offer to help them move.

If you bring a boyfriend or girlfriend, introduce them around early on, so you don't feel like you have to babysit them all night. Just be prepared for everyone to ask when you two plan to tie the knot. That can make for an awkward drive home.

But don't underestimate the strain a summer full of weddings can take on a nascent relationship.

"If it's all of your friends who are getting married, and your boyfriend's friends are not, that's a lot to ask of him, when he's driving six hours to go to a wedding and six hours back the next day, " Naylor said. "Even if you're the high-energy type who can handle this, maybe your boyfriend or girlfriend is not. Give them the guilt-free option of not going."

What to wear

At weddings where the guest lists likely won't overlap, don't sweat wearing the same sun dress more than once, tweaking your accessories (scarves, shawls, jewelry) to mix up your look. Two dresses for more than three weddings is a good rule of thumb. Guys can get away with simply switching ties.

If, however, you think you'll bump into half your sorority every other weekend, you may feel like you have to dig deep in your closet to unearth a new outfit each week.

"Women are having swap parties, where they'll get together for wine and cheese and bring a couple of their dresses and just trade off, " Naylor said. "That's a great way for everybody to get a nice wardrobe for all these summer weddings they have to go to."

And if you have a half-dozen weddings in one summer, never underestimate the value of comfortable shoes.

Jay Cridlin can be reached at jcridlin@sptimes.com

[Last modified June 15, 2007, 21:35:12]