Not sure toddler is ready for a sibling

By BRIDGET GRUMET, Times Staff Writer
Published August 27, 2007

There was a rough patch a month or two ago when it seemed like Toby would be spending most of his toddler years in time out.

He was throwing. Swatting. Defiantly doing whatever I had forbidden.

The naughty corner in our tiled entryway was getting lots of use.

I was bracing myself for the onset of the Terrible Twos - Toby's second birthday comes in October - until his demeanor suddenly changed.

Now he's sweet, helpful. He wants to help take the dishes out of the dishwasher even when they're still dirty. He wants to put clothes in the hamper (even when they're still clean). He may get a little exuberant with the Cheerios or raisins at meal time, but once he's out of his booster seat, he dutifully picks up every crumb.

If I didn't know better, I'd think he was sucking up.

Baby No. 2 is set to arrive Sept. 18. My husband, Wayne, and I are naturally excited. While Toby doesn't give any sign of appreciating what's about to happen, however, I feel like the new addition to the family will upset his neatly ordered world. The fact that he's been so good - and so oblivious to the pending upheaval - makes me feel a little guilty.

I've tried explaining there's a baby in my belly, but he just looks at me funny. (We have a stubby little Fisher-Price toy person that one babysitter calls "the baby," so I can only imagine what's going through Toby's head.)

I've tried introducing him to babies we see in public, but he's not terribly interested.

I've talked to him about being a good big brother, but such abstractions mean nothing to a toddler who names only things he can see.

Still, the next Baby Grumet is about to become an obvious reality.

Freshly washed baby clothes are already hanging on the low bar of Toby's closet and folded neatly in part of Toby's dresser. Sensing something out of place, he's been pitching them into the hamper.

A newly painted toddler bed with Sesame Street sheets has been added to his room, in the hopes of getting Toby to give up his crib, since the baby's going to need it. But he doesn't want to sleep anywhere else.

I've read what the experts say about preparing your child for the arrival of a sibling. But Toby seems too young for any meaningful discussions on the topic - yet old enough to be possessive of his things and jealous of his parents' time.

A friend who recently had another baby tells me her toddler adores his new little sister. He wants to cuddle with her and help care for her. Then again, she tells me, her son was interested in babies even before his sister showed up.

Darn.

In the long run, I think, Toby will be glad to have a sibling - someone to play with and, as the years go by, someone to turn to for guidance and support. Wayne grew up as an only child, and I grew up with two sisters, and we came to the same conclusion: It's better not to grow up alone.

But I don't expect Toby to feel that way right away.

For now I'm trying to enjoy the one-on-one time we have left with extra books, play time and cuddling. My mother plans to stay with us for a few weeks once the baby is born, in part to help give Toby the attention he needs.

And I continue to praise every little helpful act by telling him, "You're going to be a great big brother."

Bridget Hall Grumet can be reached at bgrumet@sptimes.com.

[Last modified August 26, 2007, 20:47:11]