For Thompson, a Florida 101

Memo

To: Fred Thompson, presidential hopeful

From: Floridians

Subject: The Everglades and other Florida treasures

In Florida, we're used to newcomers making faux pas on matters that those of us who have been here longer than, say, two weeks take for granted. For example, the Everglades is known as the River of Grass, not the River of Gas, so we understand your mistake when you said you wouldn't remove it from the list of places where you might drill for oil if elected president.

As an accomplished actor, however, you might have at least read the script first and remembered your lines when you appeared with Gov. Charlie Crist. Asked if you would drill in the Everglades, the proper response wasn't laughter followed by your ad lib: "Gosh, no one has told me that there's any major reserves in the Everglades, but maybe that's one of the things I need to learn while I'm down here."

Obviously, there are lots of things you need to learn about the state. Just be grateful the press didn't ask you about rendering manatees into lamp oil. For future reference, the manatee is Crist's favorite animal, so much so that he's willing to stand up to developers to save the lovable sea cows (sorry, they can't be milked as far as we know).

If you had talked to someone ahead of time - maybe the state's current or former Republican governors, the president of the United States or any of your Florida staff - you might have learned that oil exploration in the Everglades was resolved long ago. President Bush and his brother Jeb (have you met him?) announced five years ago that the federal government would buy back mineral rights in the Big Cypress National Preserve (which is part of the Everglades so don't even consider it for cypress mulch) and Florida Panther National Wildlife Refuge (yes, we have panthers though not enough to hunt). In fact, Florida taxpayers will spend more than $3-billion trying to save the Everglades, so we'd appreciate it if you didn't add an oil spill cleanup to the tab.

By the way, part of that 2002 deal included buying back the oil and gas leases just 30 miles off Pensacola, too. So your answer to the question about drilling off our beaches made us a little nervous. "I'm not going to start out by taking this, that or the other off the table in terms of our overall energy situation," you said. We're not sure where "this" and "that" are, but if by "the other" you meant the Florida coast, you ought to take a look at an electoral-vote map.

Other than that, we hope you enjoyed your stay, although we couldn't help but notice the number of times you had to mop your brow in our heat and humidity. Might we suggest that on future visits you dress more comfortably, and if you want to cut down on the political sweating, you might want to forget about plundering Florida's treasures.

[Last modified September 20, 2007, 23:55:52]