Column

Domestic abuse is a question for all of us

By ERNEST HOOPER
Published October 11, 2007

Whenever I speak to aspiring journalists, I caution them not to wrap opinion pieces inside a cloud of anger.

Too often, a rant overshadows the strongest points of an argument. But when I think about how some people view domestic violence, it makes me want to use the most vile of words. Somehow, some people think victims deserve the physical, sexual and psychological batterings that prompt them to seek shelter at facilities like the Spring of Tampa Bay. You don't have to search long or hard to find someone who thinks women purposely attract abusive mates or deserve beatings because they're weak.

That's such ... hold on while I restrain myself.

Amazingly, some of these detractors are women, who should be more empathetic. Instead, they respond with the guilt-laden question, "Why don't they just leave?"

Jim Brace, the Spring's interim executive director, said he deals with that question more than any other in public presentations. Brace builds his response around the perspective he gained years ago from Pasco County Circuit Judge Lynn Tepper, who likened bad domestic situations to bad jobs.

Many people stay in jobs they hate or deal with bosses they despise for the same reasons domestic victims stay in abusive relationships.

"It's kids, finances," Brace said. "They also think, 'I can't get anything better. I don't know there's anything better out there.' Self-esteem and fear also are big factors."

Brace badly wants to help people understand the impact of domestic violence. Physical and sexual assaults leave significant scars, but the effects of emotional assaults can be just as devastating.

For years, Brace kept a card in his office that said, "I used to be." It's a phrase he hears often from victims.

"So many of them say, 'I used to be real popular at school. I used to be the person everyone came to,' " Brace said. "I used to be active in my church. I used to be this different person. I say, 'You still are that person. (The perpetrator) has just isolated you from the person you used to be.' "

As clients at the Spring walk the path of recovery, they experience what Brace calls, "a-ha moments." A woman cuts her hair and then realizes she did so because her boyfriend lorded over her at the salon. A woman wears shorts and discovers it's the first time she has shown her legs in three years. "I've been in group and I've talked about this very phenomenon and I'll have women cry almost every time," Brace said. "But it's not tears of sadness. It's tears of joy and realization."

For 30 years, the Spring has served domestic abuse victims, providing shelter and services that include counseling and educational and housing programs. It helps save lives in a county where law enforcement recorded nearly 10,000 domestic violence reports last year.

Why don't they just leave?

Brace wonders, "Why doesn't he just stop abusing her?"

That's all I'm saying.

Fast facts

If you go

The Spring commemorates its 30th anniversary at the Annual Mabel H. Bexley Gift Of Peace Breakfast fundraiser Wednesday, 7 a.m. at the Downtown Hyatt. For more information, go to www.giftofpeacebreakfast.com.

[Last modified October 11, 2007, 00:50:51]