Do you want it fixed, or by Friday?
By HOWARD TROXLER
Published October 11, 2007
Iwent to pick up my car from Charlie's Quickie Fix-It Service.
But when I got there, my car was still up on the lift. Parts were strewn all over.
"I just brought it in for a little budget cut," I protested to Charlie. "What gives?"
"Since you were here anyway," Charlie said, "we figured we'd go ahead and give you that big tax overhaul we've been talking about."
"Can I at least get an estimate?" I asked. Sure, said Charlie, handing me a piece of paper. It said:
Double homestead exemption: $3.9-billion
"Portability" for Save Our Homes tax break: $900-million
New tax break for first-time home buyers: $800-million
Tangible property tax break: $700-million
SUBTOTAL: $6.3-billion (over five years)
"See, under my overhaul," Charlie explained, "everybody in Florida gets twice the homestead exemption, $50,000 instead of $25,000.
"Next, when you buy a different house, you get to keep the same size tax break that you had in your old house.
"And if you're a first-time home buyer in Florida, you get an extra tax break of 25 percent off your home's value."
I said to Charlie that off the top of my head, I thought those might be good ideas, especially the last two.
"But tell me," I said, "this only adds up to $6.3-billion for the next five years. Wasn't that overhaul we were going to vote on in January supposed to save us a lot more?"
"Look, it's not my fault a judge threw that thing off the ballot," Charlie shrugged. "This is just for starters."
One of the two guys working on my car came over. The name tag on his coverall said: MARCO. He handed me another paper with the headline, "Marco's Customized Additions." It said:
Affordable housing tax break
Low-income senior tax break
"Working waterfront" tax break
Change of "highest and best use" tax policy
Energy efficient tax break
SUBTOTAL: $3-billion
"Wait a minute," I said. "I get two estimates?"
"You'll get three, actually," Charlie and Marco said simultaneously, pointing to the third guy still under the car. "Ken is still working on his."
I frowned. "How long is all this going to take?"
"Heck, no time at all," Charlie assured me. "It should be ready by next Monday. You'd be amazed at how quickly we can get these things done."
"Yeah, but I want you to do a good job," I said. "This is the only car I have and I plan on keeping it a long time."
Ken came over, wiping his hands on an oily rag.
"Look, we know what we're doing," Ken said. "Even though we're doing this in just a few days, we've been talking about it for a long time. It's not like we're just making stuff up on the fly."
They all laughed nervously.
"Don't be such a Gloomy Gus," Charlie said. "Do you want a tax cut, or not? Trust me. Your taxes are going to drop like a -"
Marco and Ken drowned him out with coughing.
As I was leaving, I heard a "thunk" as something fell out of the engine. I looked back to see the three of them huddled over it.
I was pretty sure I heard one of them ask, "Hey, what does this thingamajig do?"