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Letter to the editor

Adoptive mothers' heartbreak is well understood

Callers tell a School Board member of kids like hers with mental problems.

By JACOB H. FRIES and NICOLE HUTCHESON, Times Staff Writers
Published October 24, 2007

ADVERTISEMENT Nancy Bostock is a member of the Pinellas School Board. [Joseph Garnett, Jr. | Times] Related content To aid her son, she will give him up (Oct. 23) Readers react Synesthesia: You have no idea what this is like, so put aside your judgement and see things from her perspective. A lot of the times a child is adopted out by the state without the adoptive parents knowing anything about their history. The system needs to change Dan T: The help he needs". Children, bio. or adopted can have mental illness and become mentally ill adults. The blame game here is stupid. It assumes some magic expensive tx will help this child. Maybe yes, maybe no. MH services stink nation wide. Allen: My wife and I are in the same situation with a 12yr. old girl. She has already assaulted my wife and continually threatens our adopted 7yr.old twins. We have a counselor for her but it is doing no good. I feel for Nancy because I can relate. More reader comments

On Monday night, Bostock, a Pinellas County School Board member, told a state committee how she relinquished custody of her adopted son so that he could receive the type of intensive mental health cares he needs -- and she couldn't afford.

It was the first time she spoke publicly about the heartbreaking decision she and her husband faced: keep the boy in the house, where he might hurt their two other children, or give him up to the state, where he could receive proper care.

Bostock, 39, said her phone had been ringing with calls of support since early Tuesday morning. She now understands that while perhaps few parents have taken such a drastic step, many families don't have access to the mental health resources their children need. The care can cost tens of thousands of dollars a year.

"That's the one thing that is very affirming and also very saddening," Bostock said Tuesday during a phone interview. "We unfortunately have a lot of hurting kids in Florida."

Bostock adopted her son at age 4, knowing that he was born with exposure to drugs and alcohol, but she was unaware of how deep his troubles ran. At 9, he went to Carlton Manor in St. Petersburg, a home for children with severe emotional issues. But in March, after about 15 months, his state-sponsored stay ended.

That's when she decided to call a child abuse hotline on herself, saying conditions in the home were unsafe. She had not hurt him, but she worried about her ability to keep him under control and wanted assistance from the state.

"Getting help for my son and keeping my daughters safe were my two primary goals," she said. "It's very sad to not be able to help your child in the way your child needs help. I'm sure a lot of parents have felt this way."

* * *

Experts say parents of children with special needs are often left with few options. Nancy Spoolstra, who founded the Attachment and Trauma Network, a group that provides resources for families with troubled children, said adopted parents often don't know the severity of their child's disorder.

"You think if you bring home a 6-month-old, that you can rewire a 6-month-old," Spoolstra said. "But that does not take into account genetics, the chemical affects this child has sustained, or nine months of high stress level hormones."

Spoolstra said there is a lack of post-adoption services to help families and children make the transition from foster care to a permanent home.

"Finding a mental health professional who understands attachment, grief loss and trauma in children is very, very difficult," Spoolstra said. "And so here are families with great ideas they had to offer. They bring home this kid and believe they'll live happily ever after. ... It's not that way."

Loryn Smith, director of foster care and adoption for Camelot Community Care in Clearwater, said there's no one person or entity to blame.

"It's a statewide issue that's going to have to be looked at," Smith said. "It's not the social service's fault, the parent's fault or the Department of Children and Families', but I do think the state is going to have to come up with a plan to assist parents who have adopted traumatized children who have significant issues down the road."

* * *

In the months before Bostock called the abuse hotline, her son tightened a seat belt around her neck while she was driving, she said. Her vision blurred and the car rolled to a stop. Bostock said she didn't recognize the action as an attempt on her life until further conversations with him.

He also tried to hurt her daughters, an adopted 10-year-old and a 13-year-old she gave birth to before adopting the others, she said. Even then, Bostock didn't want to relinquish custody. She shopped around for private out-of-home care and the cheapest she could find cost $70,000 a year.

That's when she began considering the unthinkable: giving him up.

"When you're a mother, you're used to fixing everything for your kids," she said. "And here I couldn't."

Bostock, who visits her son at the foster home, said she only learned by accident of Monday's meeting of the state Senate Committee on Children, Families and Elder Affairs in Tampa. She decided she had to go, had to share her family's story.

"I'm hopeful that I can have some part in making positive change in Florida law dealing with foster care and adoption," she said.

[Last modified October 24, 2007, 00:38:26]