Wailing babies lack shutoff buttons

By BRIDGET GRUMET, Mommy Track
Published November 5, 2007

My newborn daughter Kaitlyn looks like an angel when she sleeps. She makes the cutest chipmunk noises when she stretches after a good nap, and her wicked gassy spells crack up the family.

But man, when she's fussy, she can wail.

She's fed and rested, so it's anyone's guess why she's so upset. You wouldn't think a little 8-pound person could make so much noise, or that a 5-week-old would have a reason to be so angry with the world. But there she is, her shrill cries like a human car alarm that won't shut off, no matter what buttons you push.

And on a tough day - when you're running on spotty sleep and your toddler has been defiant all morning and that cake you just baked for hubby's birthday somehow collapsed in the oven - the frustration boils over, and for a dark moment you realize what drives people to shake a screaming child.

To be clear: I have never shaken anyone. I know to set Kaitlyn down so I can cool off. We've all seen the horrific stories about babies who have been seriously injured, even killed, when a caretaker snapped. But anyone who tsk-tsks at such stories, wondering what kind of terrible person could ever do such a thing, has never found themselves at wit's end with a crying baby.

My memory may be fading, but I don't remember being so easily flustered when Toby, now 2, was an infant. He did his share of crying, especially before I learned how to swaddle him and do the other infant-calming techniques promoted by Dr. Harvey Karp.

I guess I just figured his fussing came with the territory. I comforted myself with the thought that I'd be a seasoned pro when Baby No. 2 came along.

But Toby had my undivided attention and patience in those days. Now he's the big brother, whose descent into the Terrible Twos began not long after Kaitlyn arrived.

When he starts screaming because I won't let him gnaw on that orange marker is it really that tasty?, and Kaitlyn starts crying too, I feel double-teamed. I become the angry, snappish mom I never wanted to be.

Then the guilt sets in. I love my munchkins dearly, and most of the time they're great kids. Toby is bubbling with words now, devouring books and developing a great sense of humor. His Teflon demeanor has made him the envy of our play group. And Kaitlyn has these wonderful moments where she's checking out the world, her voracious eyes swallowing everything in sight. She's in awe, which leaves me in awe.

The books say it's only natural, then, to have conflicting feelings when your little angel turns into a tiny tyrant. The key is to keep - or at least regain - your cool.

As I was running through a mental checklist of possible remedies (Fed? Yes. Clean diaper? Yes.) during one of Kaitlyn's recent fussing bouts, I remembered the books say sometimes babies just cry - on average, two to three hours a day. And I realized: "It's nothing personal. She's just doing what babies do."

Just like that, I could feel my muscles relax and my blood pressure drop. Once I reminded myself no one was under attack and no one was at fault here, I instantly felt calmer and better able to cope.

So now it's become my mantra:

It's nothing personal.

Kaitlyn is just doing what babies do.

And Toby is just doing what toddlers do.

Of course, I still need to provide whatever response is appropriate, whether it's cuddles in the rocking chair for Kaitlyn or time out in the naughty corner for Toby.

But it helps to remind myself that no one is the bad guy. We're all just trying to find our ways in our new roles.

Bridget Hall Grumet can be reached at bgrumet@sptimes.com

[Last modified November 4, 2007, 22:12:16]