A Monopoly debit card? Go directly to jail

By Sean Daly, Times Pop Music Critic
Published December 11, 2007

Imagine how low the divorce rate would plummet if every first date started with a game of Monopoly.

After all, you may think your latest boy toy is smart, funny, cuter than George Clooney. But once you see him OCD'ing his play money into tight, meticulous piles, constantly trading in smaller bills for bigger ones, unwilling to shell out for Baltic (it's only $60, dude!), you can cancel those reservations at Mise en Place. He's a cheap-o.

Or perhaps your new girlfriend keeps her Monopoly cash in a slovenly pile, allowing those golden-hued $500s to flutter willy-nilly to the linoleum. When it comes Community Chest time to collect $50 from every player, she squeezes your thigh and flirts, "You know I'm good for it, right baby?" Watch out, bub. By the time you hit Marvin Gardens, she'll be suing you for palimony.

You can tell a lot about a person (and yourself) from the way they play Monopoly. That's why I was horrified to see giddy TV ads for a new version of the Hasbro classic that doesn't use any bills!

Can you imagine? All those white ones, pink fives, lemon tens, NyQuil twenties, blue fifties, sepia 100s, deep-fried 500s - gone, gone, gone. Instead, the "Electronic Banking" edition comes with a plastic debit card.

Swiping? That's what we've come to? Swiping?!

Wow, that's lamer than getting stuck with the thimble.

Sure, Monopoly has spawned dozens of versions since its inception in 1935. But switching locations, tokens, real estate is one thing. Ditching the funny money is another.

Forget about learning how to count, to barter, to dance in a rainbow rainfall of toy cash after dodging a minefield of hotels (St. James! Tennessee! New York!) and landing on a cash-fat Free Parking.

Forget about the joy of sliming the last person to join the game with the task of being banker. Or the thrill of finding your last dang dollar under the board to avoid bankruptcy - and coming back to win the game.

In the name of ATM convenience, the iconic currency of board game lore has been nudged out. Ugh. How thoroughly, pathetically modern.

Somewhere, the Monopoly guy is wiping a tear off of his wee monocle.

So my advice to you is to dust off your classic Monopoly set (you'll find it in the closet behind the Lincoln Logs and Hungry Hungry Hippos). Then cue up the playlist below and start rolling the dice.

Oh, and make sure to buy everything you land on. Even Electric Co. The math isn't as hard as it looks.

The Monopoly Playlist

1. Go, Asia

2. Atlantic City, Bruce Springsteen

3. In the Jailhouse Now, the Soggy Bottom Boys

4. One More Time Around, Alabama

5. $100 Dollar Bill Ya'll, Ice Cube

6. I've Been Working on the Railroad, Pete Seeger

7. Pay Me My Money Down, the Kingston Trio

8. Under the Boardwalk, the Drifters

9. Money Talks, AC/DC

10. Heartbreak Hotel, Elvis Presley

Add your 2 cents

Playlist is an occasional series of musical mixes taken from Sean Daly's Pop Life blog. To contribute songs, go to blogs.tampabay.com/popmusic.

[Last modified December 10, 2007, 15:06:01]