The best of the worst in entertainment

It's been quite a year for celebrity shenanigans, but our gossipy collective at The Juice* has sifted through it all to present the first-ever Juice*y Awards!

By Joshua Gillin, tbt* Staff Writer
Published December 21, 2007

	If this was the year of celeb addiction, rehab and relapse, nobody more perfectly imbodies that than Britney Spears.
[Getty]

ADVERTISEMENT Tay Zonday's self-serious diatribe on race relations was a big Internet sensation ... But so was Chris Crocker decrying the media's treatment of poor Britney. Kiefer Sutherland is the winner (loser?) in the year of the DUI. He's currently serving a 48-day jail term. [AP] Lindsay Lohan did a mere 84 minutes in jail for her DUI. [AP]

The Juice*y Person of the Year

Britney Spears. If there's one thing America loves more than an underdog, it's tearing down the all-powerful demigods of our celebrity culture. Witness the saga of Ms. Spears: While once riding high on a wave of adulation, the mediocre majority have reveled in her free-fall into average-ness. Well, maybe average is being too kind, but her meteoric rise and subsequent fall from megastar jailbait princess to Starbucks-slurping divorcee and mother of two has encapsulated all that was in 2007.

If this was the year of celebrity addiction, rehab and relapse, it is no more perfectly embodied by the girl from Kentwood, Louisiana. Sure, Lindsay Lohan looks to be on the road to the straight and narrow (and dull) after two rounds of rehab - which including purported liaisons in bathroom stalls and nose-stuffing contraband - but we name Britney because it sounds as if she was not only forced to go to treatment, but it appears her stints may actually have made her worse. The delayed adolescence she's obviously experiencing perfectly mirrors us as a society - rich, chubby, spoiled and completely unconcerned with the consequences of our actions.

Someday, Brit may realize what she's doing. She may go somewhere far away from the sycophants and yes-men of L.A. in favor of a quiet retreat in a far-off mountain cabin, leaving her boys Sean Preston and Jayden James with their money-hungry daddy Kevin Federline and a monthly stipend. And then perhaps she will return to her career, a little older and much wiser. But The Juice* doesn't place bets, only blame; So congratulations, Britney Spears: You're our Juice*y Person of the Year!

Biggest Internet Sensation

Tay Zonday/Chris Crocker (tie). We couldn't decide whether Tay Zonday's self-serious diatribe on race relations, Chocolate Rain, or Chris Crocker's shameless fame grab (literally) decrying the media's treatment of Britney Spears was the winner here. On the one hand, Crocker won a development deal for a reality show about living in his grandparents' basement in Tennessee, which is pretty depressing. On the other, Chocolate Rain spawned hundreds (if not thousands) of You Tube imitators, tributes and responses. But then Zonday used his 14th minute to make a commercial for Diet Cherry Chocolate Dr. Pepper. It's a push.

Worst Celebrity Baby Name

Ever Gabo Anderson. We could have given this to Jenna Elfman's son Story Elias, Gretchen Mol's boy Ptolemy John, Jaceon "The Game" Taylor's tot King Justice, Drea de Matteo's and Shooter Jennings' daughter Alabama Gypsy Rose or Korn frontman Jonathan Davis' son Zeppelin (his previous kid got the unfortunate moniker Pirate). But the daughter of Milla Jovovich and Paul Anderson takes the cake by getting an allegedly Scottish boy's name (honoring dad) and the combo of mom's parents' names, Galina and Bogie. A sweet thought, but now she's doomed to a life of jokes about taking "for Ever" to do anything.

De Riguer Conviction

DUI. There were so many DUI convictions this year in La-La Land we don't know who to pick on the most. While mom-to-be Nicole Richie served 82 minutes for last year's arrest and Lindsay Lohan did a mere 84 minutes, our least favorite (and still-unnameable in our pages) hotel heiress was forced to do 22 days. Britney Spears hasn't been busted yet, but with the way she drives there are plenty of suspicions. Gary Collins pleaded no contest and Scott Weiland and Ray Liotta have been charged with the offense, as well. But the man of the hour? Repeat offender Kiefer Sutherland, who is currently serving a 48-day jail term after violating probation for a 2004 DUI arrest. He takes home an honorary Juice*y for best mugshot, besting LiLo's vacant cokehead stare.

Hot Celeb Accessory

No underwear/pregnancy (tie). The unholy trinity of Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan and She Who Shall Not Be Named going commando during their frequent trips in the L.A. club scene made a lack of underthings The Look this year. And people complain there are no more role models. But still, the next best thing was having a brand-new baby, whether you made your own (like Marcia Cross and Tom Mahoney, Melanie Brown and Eddie Murphy,Tori Spelling and Dean McDermott, Donald Trump Jr. and Vanessa Trump, Keri Russell and Shane Deary or Julia Roberts and Danny Moder, to name a few) or showed off older, off-the rack adoptees like Brangelina. Even Jessica Alba, Lily Allen and Jamie Lynn Spears are jumping on the bandwagon. We wonder if the lack of underwear is somehow related.

Most Shameful Reality TV Moment

A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila. This MTV trashfest featured the MySpace bisexual choosing a mate from among 16 men and 16 women by making all 32 sleep in one giant bed and forcing them to compete in chocolate-syrup wrestling, pole dancing and bovine-genitalia eating. Read that last one again - it's like Fear Factor meets The Dating Game. And even though the "winner" (androgynously named boy Bobby beat androgynously named girl Dani) was chosen on Tuesday, the cultural aftershocks of shows like this staying on the airwaves - especially with the ongoing writers strike - has doomed us all to more of the same. At least Tila (nee Nguyen) has told the AP she's still with Bobby, giving the hope of true love to everyone watching her show.

Most Shameful Real TV Moment

Isaiah Washington drops the F-bomb. Washington's Preston Burke was easily the most compelling character on Grey's Anatomy before the actor caused himself quite the headache by fighting on set with Patrick Dempsey and hurling an antigay slur at then-closeted co-star T.R. Knight. After using the slur again while trying to deny it at a Golden Globes press conference, ABC showed the world that there's a rehab for bigotry by forcing Isaiah to meet with gay advocacy groups and having him film a PSA about hate speech. And even then, he was canned from the show after leaving Cristina Yang at the altar on the show, never to return. It had to happen, as the Yang-Burke scenario was getting tired, but we'd rather have seen Shonda Rhimes deal with ever-annoying Dr. Izzie Stevens.

Best Import

The Beckhams. Forget J.K. Rowling and her billionaire wizard boy.All the redneck haters may deride soccer and the Spice Girls, but even the hardiest anti-immigration supporter has to admit the U.S. mediascape is more interesting with these two in it. While the ladies swoon over Becks' pecs and Man With No Name tough-guy squint, the fellas can at least laugh about human Barbie doll Victoria, who manages to maintain some level of attractiveness despite obviously being made of no less than 40 percent plastic and silicone. We're still sorting out how much of the pair we want - Victoria's Coming to America series was chopped down to one vacuous episode and thanks to injuries, David was paid about $21,000 per minute played during his abbreviated debut with the Galaxy - but they bring a flair (and a fashion sense) to the sport the rest of the world calls football that was sorely lacking.

Local Anti-Hero

The Hogans/Jessica Sierra (tie). While the unfortunate saga of Nick Hogan (a.k.a. Bollea) is a sad tale - friend John Graziano will never be the same after his crash-induced coma in Clearwater in August - we can't help but be dismayed by parents Hulk and Linda. Pops first declared there was no racing going on (traffic investigators suggested otherwise) and then Mama said she didn't condone racing (she was later shown on a street-racing video gushing about the rush she got from it). But there's also the slight rise and drastic plummet of Jessica Sierra, the Tampa native who made a minor splash on the 2005 season of American Idol. Following an arrest at the Hyde Park Cafe in April for throwing a glass at a staff member, cops found cocaine in her purse, netting her 12 months of probation. She turned her subsequent trip to detox into a stint on VH1's upcoming Celebrity Rehab. But on Dec. 1, poor Jess was arrested for public intoxication in Ybor City, during which she tried to fight half the clubgoers and offered sexual favors to the arresting cop. The bright side is, she also wins the Juice*y for Quote of the Year after calling her aunt from jail: "I was in Ybor. Everybody's intoxicated in Ybor. F--- them."

Biggest Cautionary Tale

Anna Nicole Smith. Her life was a simple story. Boy meets girl. Girl gets knocked up and has a son. Girl poses for Playboy and becomes world-famous model. Girl marries octogenarian millionaire. Rich guy dies. Girl fights family for rich guy's millions. Girl gets fat. Girl lgets reality TV show and loses weight. Girl does lots of drugs and is knocked up again. A dozen people say they are the father, prompting reputable news sources to use words like "baby's daddy" and preempt coverage of the Iraq War. Girl's first child dies under mysterious circumstances. Girl's second child is born. Girl drops dead at a hotel in Hollywood, Fla. Lawyer boyfriend and old photographer boyfriend fight for custody of meal ticket/baby. Photog wins and takes baby on photo ops every week. Tests reveal girl was taking eleventy billion drugs when she died. Creepy videotape of girl high as a kite shows up on TV. Nation feels vaguely sad and tries to remember girl as hot Playboy model but can only picture clown makeup and mushrooms. The end.

Timeline: The Fall of Britney Spears

Jan. 1: Falls asleep in a Vegas nightclub. Rumors circulate she collapsed, but her flacks deny it.

Jan. 9: Shares No. 1 on Mr. Blackwell's Worst Dressed list with a member of the Hilton clan.

Feb. 4: Dumps K-Fed rebound Isaac Cohen.

Feb. 16: After reports she checked into rehab for one day, Spears gets tattooed and shaves her head in a California salon. Theories abound Federline had threatened drug testing on her hair. The locks go on sale on eBay.

Feb. 21: Back to rehab for her - this time at Promises Malibu - and leaves the same day, only to head back for an extended stay.

March 20: She completes her program. The Juice* rejoices at having something to fill pages with.

May 2: The comeback tour is planned, with reportedly awful shows at House of Blues locations everywhere, including Orlando.

July 19: Whispers of "crazy" get louder when she storms off a photo shoot for OK! She allegedly cleaned up dog doo with a designer dress and smeared chicken grease all over another.

Aug. 9: Not even two weeks after their divorce is finalized, K-Fed sues for primary custody of the kids. We slowly realize Federline may have been the responsible one here.

Sept. 9: VMA day. With sprayed-on abs and a dead-eyed mope, Brit sorta-kinda lip-synchs Gimme More on MTV. A week later, her management firm drops her and her divorce lawyer quits.

Sept. 17: A judge orders her to undergo random drug testing for her custody battle. Guess what? She doesn't do it.

Sept. 21: She's charged with hit-and-run for driving into a parked car and driving without a license.

Oct. 1: The judge takes her kids away "until further order of the court." The tots can't believe they're happier with Kevin Federline. She gets visitation rights two days later.

Oct. 25: She avoids trial in the hit-and-run by paying damages to the car's owner. Four days later she wins three monitored visits with her kids each week. Oh, and Blackout is released.

Dec. 2: She turns 26 with a party at the Scandinavian Style mansion in L.A., where she allegedly drunk-dials K-Fed and someone takes unfortunately goofy photos of her and her birthday cake. Gossip bloggers savage her mercilessly. The Juice* feels guilty and leaves her alone for a week.

The rest of the month is full of allegations of child abuse and neglect, pregnancy rumors and scuttlebutt that she's marrying boytoy/enabler Sam Lutfi. Vicious doubletalk becomes so rampant we can't even chart it anymore. Her 16-year-old sis Jamie Lynn emulates Brit by getting preggers, and mama Lynne's parenting book is delayed (wonder why?). We next expect to see Spears crashing a UFO into Mount Rushmore while texting Hulk Hogan about injecting steroids into her extensions. Is it any more unlikely than half the stuff she's already done?

[Last modified December 21, 2007, 12:33:11]