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Single fathers often find bias when in search of assistance

SULPHUR SPRINGS "The sympathy factor isn't there for single dads," one observer says.

By ELISABETH DYER, Times Staff Writer
Published December 21, 2007

That August day he brought his son home from the hospital, 2 days old, Todd McKelvey called his boss and quit.

The baby, Todd McKelvey II, would need his shots before he could go to day care, and there was no one else to keep him.

His mother delivered him while in jail, charged with drug possession.

McKelvey took the baby home with Dylan, 18 months, Emily, 4, and Savannah, 11. Four kids, no job.

So, that first week, McKelvey, 41, and the baby got in line with dozens of people seeking help from the government. All the others were women.

"They looked at me like 'Why are you here?'" he said. "I had to suck it up," McKelvey said. "I told myself, 'You're doing this for the kids.'"

* * *

Single moms are most often the beneficiaries of government and community aid. But as more men are granted custody of children, they increasingly seek the same help, said Jack Garrett, program manager at the Homeless Coalition of Hillsborough County.

Society, however, says men should be protectors, providers.

"The sympathy factor isn't there for single dads. There's this double standard," said Garrett, who completed his master's thesis on single fathers with kids living on the streets in Long Beach, Calif. Their common hurdle was overcoming pride.

"Men feel ashamed they can't meet society's perception," Garrett said.

Sometimes, he said, they give up, leaving their children with grandparents or more stable aunts and uncles. Or allowing them to go into foster care.

State- and federally funded agencies can't discriminate when giving aid, but biases still exist, Garrett said.

For instance, government program titles such as Women, Infants and Children can be confusing for men who need the services. Fathers are, indeed, eligible for the supplemental food program.

For single dads who become homeless, the differences are more stark. In Tampa, the Salvation Army has 42 beds for single moms with children, but none for single men with children, said Steve Vick, general manager.

Mary & Martha House and Amen Outreach Ministry offer shelter for women and children. But Metropolitan Ministries is the only local agency that takes single fathers, said Tim Marks, chief development officer. "At one time this year, we had three single dads."

Garrett said people don't realize that single dads face the same problems that single moms face. "They wonder, 'Why doesn't he just get a job?'"

* * *

Emily slides from the top of the recliner and drapes herself around her father's shoulders.

"Daddy-Daddy-Daddy-Daddy-Daddy," the 4-year-old chants, until he looks at her. "When is Dilly Pickle's birthday?"

"Dilly Pickle," a.k.a. Dylan, is perched on the back of the couch. He will be 2 in May. Emily wants her little brother to have a Spider-Man birthday cake. He grins widely. After Dylan's mother went to jail, he quit saying the few words in his vocabulary.

At the foot of McKelvey's chair, the baby coos in his carrier.

When the baby wakes him at 4 a.m. for a bottle, scores of roaches scurry from the kitchen light. The two-bedroom cottage has no heat.

McKelvey holds weekly yard sales, juggles bills and stands in line to ask for government assistance to cover his $850 rent.

He crosses off agencies that have no more money to give him.

"I just never thought in a million years my life would be like this," McKelvey said. "It's not only embarrassing and degrading, it's confusing."

* * *

Like many who find themselves unable to provide for their children, McKelvey's situation came as a result of poor decisions.

Growing up in Hawaii, he dreamed of a career in marine science. At 16, after his dad lost his job as an air traffic controller, McKelvey moved to live with his grandparents in Virginia and dropped out of high school.

He worked as a mechanic for 25 years, but quit his latest job of 11 years when his youngest baby was born in August.

He says he knows he has made bad choices, including an arrest in 1996 for possession of marijuana. That's all in his past, he said.

He met his children's mother six years ago. She danced and served drinks at a bar; he worked the door on weekends. They've been on and off since then, planning to marry, someday, never planning for children. They lived paycheck to paycheck.

At one time, she filed kidnapping charges, saying he took Emily, then 2. He said she was out every night doing drugs and unable to watch the kids. The charges were dropped. She could not be reached for comment.

McKelvey's mother, Judy, has helped out when money was tight. She paid his electric bill after the baby was born. But she has no more help to give, she says. She wants him to get a vasectomy. She distrusts his girlfriend and wonders whether the three younger children -the oldest is from a prior relationship - are even his.

"Doesn't matter," he said. "I'm Dad."

A state child welfare worker checks in on the children regularly, ever since their mother was turned in by a neighbor, McKelvey says. The worker tells McKelvey if he loses the house or the electricity gets shut off, the kids will go in foster care.

"That's the thing that scares me to death right now," he said.

* * *

Single dads, desperate, have been calling McKelvey, asking where to get help, how to navigate the system. They hear about him from local providers. He tells them where to go. What to take with them.

Before Thanksgiving, he picked up Philip Miranda and drove to Metropolitan Ministries. Miranda, 45, has no car, no job and custody of his four children, ages 8 to 17. He signed up for holiday meals and Christmas presents.

"I go through it. Tearing up in the shower, anxiety attacks," Miranda said. "It took a lot for me to go down and ask for food stamps. But if you don't, it's selfish. It's for the kids. If women can do it, we can, too."

While at Metropolitan Ministries, Miranda applied for a job.

McKelvey wants a job. He says he's always applying, but the window of time he can work is limited by day care hours. (The baby, now 3 months old, is in day care paid for with government vouchers.)

He needs to make at least $15 an hour. He needs flexibility for appointments and illnesses. He wants to go back to school, get his GED, maybe learn to repair computers. He wants to help other single dads navigate the network of resources.

This month he planned to attend classes on job searching. If he doesn't, the government food and $360 each month will stop.

In a few weeks, he expects to get another electricity cutoff date and eviction notice.

Sometimes McKelvey envies his girlfriend, who he says is in a drug treatment facility until at least February.

"It doesn't seem fair. She's getting her teeth fixed and her GED," he said. "But what about us?"

Elisabeth Dyer can be reached at edyer@sptimes.com or (813) 226-3321.

Fast facts

How to help

To help Todd McKelvey, call Tracey or Cory Crocker at Covenant Chapel Ministries at 500-4286.

[Last modified December 20, 2007, 21:57:36]