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July to December, just try to remember

By HOWARD TROXLER
Published December 30, 2007

The (mostly fake) news of 2007 in review, Part II:

July 4: Pinellas County refuses to buy land from its own elected property appraiser, saying, "This is obviously a sensitive transaction that requires the highest level of caution."

July 13: The treasure-hunting ship Odyssey is seized at sea by Capt. Jack Sparrow.

July 20: A mysterious lack of hurricanes prompts State Farm to cancel another 50,000 customers in Florida.

Aug. 2: NASA discovers a bad valve behind space-shuttle toilet. "Here's yer problem right here," NASA's plumber says, while displaying his own, you know, moon shot.

Aug. 8:A bunch of guys sitting around with nothing else to do decide it would be really neat-o to buy the Tampa Bay Lightning.

Aug. 16:An investigation by Hillsborough County concludes that it's okay that Hillsborough County blew all that money on the lake of a Hillsborough County commissioner, Brian Blair. Well, gladthat's settled.

Aug. 17: Florida's entire Panhandle to be paved over for giant airport. "It's not like you're using it," St. Joe Co. executive says.

Sept. 1:St. Petersburg's plans for citywide wireless service fall through when mayor is not at home during the scheduled 2-4 p.m. installation window.

Sept. 22:Blackwater inquiry widens in Iraq, under special oversight panel consisting of Chuck Norris, Sly Stallone and Steven Segal.

Oct. 12: Fake doctor discovered at Tampa General Hospital. Reassigned to fake-doctor pool at VA hospital.

Oct. 18: DNA scientist James Watson sets off furor by claiming Nobel Prize winners are genetically likely to say something idiotic.

Oct. 26:Hillsborough school system suspends a girl who reported a teacher's sexual misconduct. Decides against also giving her jail time and lashings.

Nov. 13:Youths believing a stupid urban legend drill into ammonia pipe in Riverview. They promise to deal with all future stupid urban legends just like everybody else does, by sending annoying e-mails to all their friends starting with "Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd:"

Nov. 21: Local Florida governments are panicked to learn the state has invested all their money with a guy named Three-Fingers Vinny.

Dec. 4: Former American Idol contestant Jessica Sierra is arrested again. Fortunately, no media frenzy results.

Dec. 8: St. Petersburg City Council promises "deliberate and careful" evaluation of baseball stadium proposal, adding, "Can anybody spare a couple hundred bulldozers?"

Dec. 5: Every corporation in Florida puts former Gov. Jeb Bush on its board.

Dec. 19: After months of debate, Pinellas School Board passes new attendance plan with a minor amendment: "Nobody really has to do any of this."

Dec. 20: Florida State University to play bowl game despite losing many players to cheating scandal. Cue inspiring music as water boy and equipment manager suit up.

Dec. 20: A report saying that the University of South Florida needs to hire more police is stolen before it can be released.

Dec. 30: Declaring that "these smart people always know what to do," Gov. Charlie Crist puts a committee of St. Petersburg Times columnists and editorial writers in charge while he takes a vacation.

Dec. 31: State sinks into ocean.

[Last modified December 29, 2007, 22:19:15]