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Letter to the editor

Guest Column

Officers sometime witness humor

By LESTER ARADI
Published December 30, 2007

Every cop, at one time or another, proclaims they could write a book about the situations they have come across on the job.

Much of it is too disturbing to put into print, but every once in a while the humorous side of our work is too good not to share.

Allow me to show you a small sampling of what our Largo police officers reported they have encountered the past two years.

* * *

Officers receive a call regarding a suspicious subject moving through the Wal-Mart parking lot trying car doors. Officers arrive and locate the subject. He provides various accounts of his activity and various reasons why he is in the parking lot. Officers test these claims and find all to be false.

The subject is taken into custody for auto burglary - of the Wal-Mart manager's vehicle.

The manager then recognizes the subject as the same person who had just been inside the store at the return desk. Further investigation determines that the subject had just returned a set of jumper cables and received the money from the store.

Where did he get the jumper cables?

The store manager's car.

* * *

We'll call this "Adventures in Multitasking."

What do you do when you have overmedicated yourself on Soma, Vicodin and marijuana, then attempt to drive, have your cell phone fall on the floorboard, and then you attempt to retrieve it while moving?

Answer: You drive your nice new car into a ditch, have the cops show up, miserably fail your field sobriety tests and get carted off to the county motel.

The driver is heard muttering, "I just have to work on my multi-tasking skills."

* * *

Officers respond to a domestic disturbance. The male eventually is taken into custody. While he may have been big and bad to the female victim, he starts bawling like a baby upon his arrest.

When that isn't getting him any attention, he drops to the ground and appears to be having a seizure.

The officers call the Fire Department, just in case he isn't pretending. While waiting for paramedics to arrive, the officers search his property, including a quick peek inside his cigarette pack. The officer looks at the subject and asks, "What's this in here, crack?"

In mid-seizure, the subject looks up, says, "It's not crack," and then has to admit to officers he was faking it in hopes of staying out of jail.

* * *

It seems our criminal mastermind has just been released from prison, where he served four years for armed home invasion. He also happens to be on federal probation for bank robbery.

It's been a few days, though, and it's just too hard to stay on the straight and narrow. It's lunch time, so he goes to Publix. He shoves a pound of Boar's Head smoked chicken and a half-pound of Boar's Head cheese down his pants.

Cleverly, though, he buys a half-gallon of milk and bread.

Unfortunately, a loss prevention employee sees him and he and a manager confront the gentleman out in the parking lot. Obviously at the top of his game, he shoves the loss prevention guy (now making the misdemeanor retail theft a felony) and the fight is on.

During the escape, the bad guy ditches the meat and cheese, his shirt gets ripped off his back, but he has made good his bid for freedom.

The bad news is that he was wearing a shirt with his company logo on it and escaped in a company vehicle. In the pocket of his company shirt is the card of his federal probation officer and a receipt for the urinalysis he had to get, with his name, date of birth and signature on it. (You can't make this stuff up.)

* * *

A man calls the police and says he sees a naked man crawling around in the bushes near the intersection of Keene Park and Fulton Drive. A few moments later, when units arrive, the man has crawled out of the bushes and is sitting in the yard of a house near the sidewalk. His pants are down around his ankles and he is completely exposed and paying way too much attention to himself.

He does not notice officers until they walk up to him. He is very drunk and as he is placed into custody, he states, "I guess I had too much to drink." Ya think?

* * *

Six clues you should have stayed in bed:

1. While driving down East Bay Drive, your car keeps changing lanes, seemingly all by itself.

2. You don't seem to notice that you hit the curb so hard that your hubcap came off and hit another car.

3. What is up with all these drivers? It seems like every one of them is nearly crashing into you.

4. Fortunately, you are not the paranoid type, otherwise the two cars that have been following you for the longest time, one of which looks suspiciously like it was hit by a hubcap, might cause you concern.

5. While pulling into your apartment complex parking lot, that darn parked car that is in front of you seems to be blocking your way, and you are pretty sure the way was clear just a second ago.

6. Where did that annoying cop come from?

* * *

Tip of the day for druggies: When the police are walking up to your (stolen) car window, do not attempt to hide your crack cocaine by dumping the rocks into your soda. They may resemble ice chips, but they're not water-soluble. Busted!

Lester Aradi is the Largo chief of police.

[Last modified December 29, 2007, 21:29:12]