American dreamers

Whether watching for dreams or nightmares, American Idol had it all for viewers.

By Sharon Fink, Sean Daly and Eric Deggans
Published January 16, 2008

Philadelphia has given so much to America - the Declaration of Independence, the Liberty Bell, cheesesteaks.

Now add to the list a man who's had a few too many of those cheesesteaks wearing a belly dancing costume and getting his chest waxed on national TV because Paula Abdul didn't like his chest hair.

So began Tuesday the latest season of American Idol, with two hours of auditions culled from what Ryan Seacrest told us was the largest group of auditioners in the show's seven seasons.

The season premiere had more emphasis on the good than usual, less on the just plain bad and about all we'd want of the weird and frightening. We Idol experts sat through it all and picked out what we liked and what we were sure would give us nightmares.

Eric's take

Spot a winner? Much as I liked soulful 26-year-old wedding singer Angela Martin (and Simon Cowell's promise to "de-weddingize" her), country-singing cage fighter Kristy Lee Cook seemed like just the shy, ready-to-flower performer Idol loves to uncover.

Get the hook: Forget the belly dancing, hairless fat guy. I fell for Alexis Cohen's loopy Grace Slick impression, glitter-laden eyelids and studio apartment (complete with mom, dog and two cats). Best of all was her fakey, psychotic outrage after Simon explained - quite nicely - that she was crazier than a sack full of Sanjayas. (And exactly how do producers get footage of people's homes after they've been kicked out of an audition?)

Jerk those tears: The moment 16-year-old, copper-haired, 200-plus-pound football-playing sweetie Temptress Browne opened her mouth, we all knew her dreams of paying tribute to her morbidly obese mom on Idol would be shattered. Note to producers: Having the judges walk the sobbing teen out to meet her family doesn't make up for exposing her to national ridicule in the first place.

Judging the judges: Simon's admission that he is unable to feel joy when his friends do well is all the information we ever needed about the bratty Brit.

Sean's take

Spot a winner? Melanie Nyema, Taylor Hicks' backup singer, reminded me of Alicia Keys' not-as-pretty-but-more- appreciative big sister. You'll also see cutie Kristy Lee Cook in the Top 24 ... and then probably in Playboy. (Yeah, like you weren't thinking the same thing.)

Get the hook: First of all, don't be hatin' on Udi. After butchering Sinatra, he exited by actually saying, "I guess this is my way or the highway, huh?" By the way, has there ever been anything more graphic on prime-time television than that dude getting waxed? Sheesh.

Jerk those tears: You're a cold, heartless cyborg if you didn't squirt a few for Temptress and her mom. Those two tears rolling down her face? Brutal. Then when Simon said that thing about the kittens? Oh, man, I was sobbing into my bag of Knott's Berry Farm cookies.

Judging the judges: What's up with Randy Jackson's lamb-chop sideburns? If he were playing third base for the '75 Cincinnati Reds, maybe they'd be cool. On a more positive note, when Simon compared glittery ruffian Alexis Cohen to Willem Dafoe in Spider-Man, truer words have never been uttered.

Sharon's take

Spot a winner? The guy in the white suit and shirt with the liquid gold voice and the smooth dance moves. ... Ah, wait, sorry, that was John Legend in a Target commercial.

Get the hook: My fashion sense was offended by James the tour guide's mustard-colored suit as much as my ears were by his cow-in-distress vocals.

Jerk those tears: I grew up watching Jerry's kids every Labor Day and hearing about the severely burned children the Shriners help, so sick kids get me every time. The story of Angela Martin's adorable young daughter, Jessica, whom doctors say will never walk or talk again because of Rett syndrome had me reaching for my checkbook to donate to someone.

Judging the judges: Randy, lose the sequins. Paula, never smile at a man singing to you about stalking you. And Christina Tolisano, the Star Wars girl, was worth it just to hear Simon say as she left, "Give my love to the Wookie."

WATCH IT

American Idol

Auditions continue tonight with two hours from Dallas at 8 p.m. on WTVT-Ch. 13.

[Last modified January 16, 2008, 09:38:39]