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Late-night TV pitches give way to reality

It's 4:30 a.m. and you've been staring at the TV for two hours. Suddenly, you see this:

By Tom Zucco, Times Staff Writer
Published January 27, 2008

It's 4:30 a.m. and you've been staring at the TV for two hours. Suddenly, you see this:

A silver Hummer H2 is parked by a sparkling swimming pool. A dozen beautiful people with perfect teeth mingle about. Palms sway. Birds sing. Message clear.

You have none of these things and are therefore a complete zero.

Announcer: "Do you want to live the life you've always dreamed of? Now you can, working just a few hours a week from home. Stay tuned and we'll show you how."

Smiling couple wave from the deck of a yacht. They point to you and hold up a card. It has the number zero printed on it.

Close-up of host: "Hello. I'm Dewey Fleecem. Are you tired of living paycheck to paycheck? Are you so poor you got married for the rice? Do you want to enjoy life? Travel? Eat? It's all possible.

"If you use my system, which I developed over several days during my career as an auto detailer, I will teach you how to find and buy a $14-million house for as little as 12 cents. You can buy small South American countries for less than a pack of gum, free and clear," promises Fleecem.

"And if you order today, I'll also send you my special bonus package that shows you step by step how to pick nothing but winners in the stock market, and how to take old socks and sell them on eBay for tens of thousands of dollars.

"But wait. If you're among the first 200 callers, I will throw in a special secret gift. I don't have the faintest idea what's in the box. We buy in bulk from India. But even if there's nothing in there, sell it on eBay and MAKE HUGE PROFITS!"

Announcer: "Sound too good to be true?"

Close up of Nancy T., a single mom who starts sobbing immediately.

"After I ordered Dewey's system, I made $3.2-million in the first 20 minutes. It was sooo easy. Plus my dandruff cleared up, and people no longer mistake me for a man." (Results may vary.)

Announcer: "So pick up the phone and give us a call right now. You'll be glad you did."

Okay. We're officially now in Absurdityland. You click the remote.

Two men sitting at a table talking about colon cleansing.

Click.

Another testimonial, this time from Brian D., who says he retired early by taking advantage of all those mortgage foreclosures.

An important reminder. Your mortgage is due in a week. And it's almost time to go to work.

For at least one more day, the mouse stays on the wheel.

[Last modified January 25, 2008, 21:25:33]