Valentine gifts you really shouldn't give

By Charlotte Sutton, Times Staff Writer
Published February 14, 2008

We love gifts. And we love love. So we at Floridian have been utterly overjoyed at the flood of Valentine's Day gift ideas that helpful public relations professionals have been sending our way ever since their Christmas gift pitches finally, blessedly, stopped. - We have been reading of fabulous vacations in sexy locales, conflict-free diamonds, flowers so exotic we can't even pronounce them. - We are romantic, but also realistic. We know that sometimes one's beloved fails to come through with such riches. Or with much of anything at all. - Still, things could be far worse. You could be the recipient of one of the more imaginative Valentine's Day gift ideas from our heart-shaped e-mail bag. 

The pitch: "The latest Valentine's Day gift might be at a doctor's office!" said an e-mail from a publicist for the American Academy of Facial Plastic and Reconstructive Surgery bearing this subject line: "Plastic surgery gift cards."

"Women have been known to use kissing as a technique to assess mates as well as to gauge the status of the relationship. Should they feel their partner pulling back - an often sure-fire sign of waning interest - one way to rekindle the spark in the relationship is to plump it up."

We say: Nothing like kissing lips full of "injectable fillers" to keep that flame alive.

The pitch: "Maybe this Valentine's Day, instead of sending a box of chocolates, you should consider a bag of carrots," wrote an inventive and probably cellulite-free representative of something called ProduceGuru.com. "Everyone knows that oysters and chocolate are common aphrodisiacs, but how about something a little healthier? Wouldn't it be great if there were much healthier foods to boost the libido?"

We say: V-Day was made for carats, not carrots. Besides, everyone knows chocolate is a health food.

The pitch: "Bake up some yummy Valentine's Day treats with themed aprons for parent and child," urged TheCompanyStore.com. "Monogramming is available and makes these aprons more personable and fun to wear!"

We say: We're still trying to wrap our heads around the notion of a "personable" apron, never mind how a child flinging pink icing around the kitchen might be considered romantic.

The pitch: "Skip Hop Dash Deluxe Edition Messenger Diaper Bag in Pink Camo: With its chic urban style, roomy storage compartments, and glam appeal, the Dash Deluxe Diaper Bag is the perfect choice for moms!" declared csnstores.com.

We say: Guys, the only way a diaper bag is a romantic gift is if YOU carry the bag AND change the diapers.

The pitch: The NuMetrex "heart rate monitor sports bra makes a great gift from the heart, for the heart."

This $99 garment ($5 goes to the American Heart Association) lets you know whether you're working that treadmill hard enough, or too hard.

We say: Is a treadmill the way you want to get your beloved's heart pounding on Valentine's Day?

The pitch: Debbie Stoller's Son of Stitch 'n Bitch: 45 Projects to Knit & Crochet for MEN is a book aimed at "helping women create sweaters, scarves and socks to warm the men they love."

Among the advice offered: "why you should never take your guy to the yarn store to pick out yarn for his sweater."

We say: We need a book to explain that?

Finally, we offer Valentine retail advice provided not by a PR firm, but by a wire service story: Despair.com peddles "Bittersweets," tins of candy hearts for three kinds of Valentines:

Dejected, with hearts bearing phrases such as "loss leader," "table for 1" and "dignity free."

Dysfunctional: "No fix 4 dumb," "sub prime," "parole is up."

Dumped: "U left seatup," "I got sober," "celib8 thx2u" and "call a 900#"

We say: See what we mean? Sometimes the very best gift is no gift at all.

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The pitch: For a product that builds your vocabulary by couching new words in risque sentences:

"Renee Mazer the self-proclaimed Vocabulary Vixen says her new product WORDGASM is a great gift for the one you love, or lust, sure to spice things up this Valentine's Day.

"She suggests wrapping WORDGASM up with a note asking the receiver to listen to it on the way home; it will get them in the mood and improve their vocabulary."

We say: Like it isn't bad enough we have to commute alongside people yakking on their phones, putting on their makeup and eating full meals off the dashboard?

Today in Weekend

Almost out of time, but you still want that lovin' feeling? Check out our last-minute Express Lane gift guide.

On tampabay.com

Think you've got Valentine's Day anxiety? See what's giving Sean Daly fits at blogs.tampabay.com/popmusic.

[Last modified February 13, 2008, 17:25:03]