Motorsports

Taking stock car knowledge for a test drive

Turning laps with Times columnists John Romano and Gary Shelton.

By Gary Shelton and John Romano, Times Columnists
Published February 17, 2008

JR: In celebration of the golden anniversary of the Great American Race, I figured we should talk a little redneck today. A little Bud, a little Toby Keith, and just a smattering of teeth. What do you say? Got your Jiffy Lube receipt handy?

GS: I reckon. As you know, I am an expert at NASCAR. They turn left, don't they?

JR: Turn left, but lean right. Okay, let's try a quiz. I'm thinking of a word that could be a nickname for an engine part, or one of Eddie Murphy's past dates.

GS: Ah. That would be the "Crossdresser Gauge," wouldn't it?

JR: We were looking for a variation on transmission, but you had the right idea. Okay, name me three generations of Petty.

GS: That's easy. That would be Lee, Richard and the young pup, Tom the heartbreaker.

JR: You're good at this. Let's try vocabulary. Use "boogity, boogity, boogity" in a sentence.

GS: "I love that song by KC and the Sunshine Band, where he talks about his Boogity, Boogity Boogity Shoes."

JR: And now everyone knows Darrell Waltrip's disco secret. I'm afraid I can't stump you, so I'll try one last trick question. If Dario Franchitti and Kyle Busch got in a fight, what would a smart reporter do?

GS: At all costs, he would try to give mouth-to-mouth resuscitation to Ashley Judd, just in case.

JR: That's why you are at the top of your profession. So now that we have proven to be experts in the field of stock car racing, how about letting everyone know who is going to win the Daytona 500 today.

GS: I guess picking Jimmie Johnson would be like picking the Patriots. So I'm going to say it's a day for the Junior Varsity. Dale Earnhart Jr. comes from behind and makes your column easy to write.

JR: I'm guessing Tony Stewart has the strongest car but has drafting problems because his mouth never closes. Junior has a late lead, but Gordon takes it on the final lap. See, isn't this fun? Why don't you throw a beer or 47 in the trunk and come along for the ride?

GS: Because reckless driving at impossible speeds, swapping paint and spinning out of control with every turn, scares me. And I'm not talking about the NASCAR drivers. I'm talking about you crossing I-4.

[Last modified February 16, 2008, 19:04:03]