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Letter to the editor

In dealing with grief, a hospice retreat helps

By Hooper
Published February 22, 2008

For Sherri Smart, Mike was not only her husband, he was her dining companion, cruise ship partner and best friend.

Naturally, Sherri struggled through what she calls "the most difficult year of my life" after cancer took Mike away at age 42. The loss, after 16 years of marriage, was made worse by the fact Mike died on Jan. 13, 2007, Sherri's 42nd birthday.

"Okay, God, out of 365 days a year, why did you have to pick my birthday?" she thought.

Clearly, Mike's death tested Sherri's faith. But with the help of LifePath Hospice's bereavement counseling and a special retreat, Sherri has started to come to terms with Mike's passing.

Over bagels at the new Panera Bread in Riverview, I talked to Sherri about losing a loved one and how LifePath bereavement counselor Teresa Howard guided her through the grieving process.

Pull up a chair and join us.

ERNEST: What were some of the terms you were dealing with?

SHERRI: Anger. We just had a real strong faith that God was going to pull him through this and that he was going to be healed and have this great testimony. Maybe part of that was denial, but we just knew he had too much more to do. He was a godly man. He was a good man and he loved the Lord.

What did she tell you about that anger? I would imagine it was natural.

Exactly. She said that it's absolutely natural. That was most of the different feelings I was having -being mad at God and saying, "It's not fair. Why my husband? Why me? Why not some bad person, instead of my husband, who was a good person?"

I went to a wake for a friend a couple of years ago and the priest said, "Go ahead and ask your questions because God has heard them all before."

That's what she said, talk to God. If you're angry, tell him. One of the things she said was don't hold it inside. I'm a real laid-back person. She said, "You're one who doesn't really want to let it out." She said to punch a pillow, find something that's going to release that energy. She said she's had people go in the garage and break plates.

What else did Teresa help you with?

She's just really wonderful about giving you ideas and letting you know that it's okay to feel the way you do. She let me know that everyone is different, so don't compare yourself to someone else who is grieving. Every person grieves differently. There are certain stages, but people hit those stages at different times.

So Teresa worked with you at the house and then you chose to go through the retreat?

I went apprehensively at first because I thought, "Do you have to talk to people?" I just wanted to stay in my own little bubble and talk to Teresa. I had my family and close friends who have been incredibly supportive so, outside of those people, I didn't know if I wanted to talk to anyone. So I went, and you did have to talk in some small group settings. I didn't really want to, but when you start hearing other people talking, you see they're hurting, too, and your heart goes out to them.

What were some of the different activities?

They did an ice breaker and they had different sessions to take. You could kind of choose what sounded better to you. One that I took was called Finding Your Compass, which was about finding a new direction. I was married for 16 years and Mike and I did everything together. So for him to be gone, it was like, what do I do now? I pulled nuggets out of every session.

So you came away from the retreat feeling stronger.

Feeling stronger, feeling like I had grown from the experience. I was more uplifted. At the end we all gathered together and we did stepping stones, a concrete stepping stone in memory of your loved one. They had all kinds of different tiles and letters that you could write a message in. That was neat. I still have my stepping stone in my garden.

How did you deal with the anniversary of Mike's death and celebrating your birthday?

I was able to deal with the anniversary, again, with help from Teresa. She advised taking time to remember Mike and acknowledge Mike, but then take time for me. She said Mike wouldn't want you to not celebrate your birthday. So what I decided to do was pick a restaurant that was one of Mike's favorites, Smokey Bones. I gathered his friends, his mother came down from Arkansas, and we all met and I gave each person a balloon. They tied notes to Mike on each balloon and we released them behind the restaurant. Then we went into the restaurant together and celebrated my birthday. It was a good day. It felt right. He would have been proud.

DESSERT: A postscript from Ernest

This was not an easy conversation for Sherri, an administrative assistant at Mosaic, but she offered her thoughts as a way to help LifePath Hospice and anyone else who may be grieving. A member of Bell Shoals Baptist Church, Sherri returned to services in October and soon hopes to rejoin Sunday school. "I'm better," she says. "I'm moving forward." To me, she's already remarkably strong.

Ernest Hooper also writes a column for the Tampa & State section. He can be reached at hooper@sptimes.com or 226-3406.

. IF YOU GO

LifePath Hospice's Journey Of Hope Adult Retreat

When: 8:30 a.m.-5 p.m. March 1

Where: Tampa Bay Baptist Convention Center, 15601 Lake Magdalene Blvd.

What: A daylong retreat featuring various sessions open to any Hillsborough County resident whether or not they have used LifePath Hospice's services before.

Cost: Sliding scale starting at $25. No one is turned away.

Information: Diane Schnelly, (813) 357-5609

[Last modified February 22, 2008, 10:05:09]