Columns

Something to chew over: Tyson-Holyfield III

Times columnists John Romano and Gary Shelton bend each other's ears on the merits of this heavyweight rematch.

By Gary Shelton and John Romano, Times Columnists
Published March 9, 2008

GS: John, I see where Mike Tyson and Evander Holyfield are talking about fighting again. How much do you care? And what are the chances we can get Tonya Harding and Nancy Kerrigan for the undercard?

JR: I thought Tyson was back in prison for a cocaine conviction. Are they having the fight at Bally's Alcatraz? The MGM Rikers?

GS: I think they're having it at Jeffrey Dahmer's house. The fight slogan is going to be: "This Time, It's About the Other Ear." Seriously, is this the worst idea you've ever heard?

JR: Um, sad to say, but no. I might actually watch that, and I haven't said that about a heavyweight fight since George Foreman's first bout against John L. Sullivan. I know it's pathetic. I know it could be a train wreck. I know they are decades past their primes. But I'm still buying Moody Blues albums, too.

GS: I think the Moody Blues were far, far better fighters. I have it on good authority they used to take the Kinks' lunch money all the time. Seriously, it's one thing if you are Mike Tyson, who is two steps away from biting the heads off chickens for money. But at one time, there was a lot to admire about Holyfield. Of course, you could say the same thing about boxing.

JR: Few athletes know how to exit gracefully, and boxers are the worst of the bunch. It's a macho sport run by seedy people, which means someone is always willing to put his concussions aside for one last bout. I was at that fight in Vegas when Tyson bit off Holyfield's ear, and I've never seen such absurd theater. Later that night, while guns were being fired in the casino, I was hiding under a blackjack table and wondering if there was a provision in workmen's comp for 9mm wounds.

GS: I'm willing to bet that when Wladimir Klitschko retires, he won't keep coming back. On the other hand, who would know that he was ever here. And that's the problem. We can't forget the old heavyweights because there are no current heavyweights. Except for columnists, of course.

JR: I know you're not talking about me. I am not a heavyweight. I'm just aggressively plump. So if you think this fight is such a bad idea, put it on a scale for me. As bad as Evel Knievel and Snake River Canyon? As bad as the Rays signing Wilson Alvarez? As bad as Marv Albert's hairpiece?

GS: Here's how bad it is. It's like Wilson Alvarez wearing Marv Albert's hairpiece as he throws his career into the Snake River. At the time, of course, he was also hunting with Bobby Knight.

JR: In the same field as Dick Cheney?

GS: Get those two crazy kids together, and we could squeeze out a third season of Deadwood. And that would be entertaining. As for Tyson and Holyfield? That's like a fight breaking out on the set of I Remember the '80s. Who fights the winner? The Fonz?

JR: Let's assume they actually pull off this farce. Who wins? Tyson by a nose?

GS: Only if he chews it carefully.

[Last modified March 8, 2008, 18:21:13]