Coming home late? Call, or don't come home at all

By Shannon Van Sickler and David Norrie
Published March 14, 2008

He Said

My mouth was dry like cotton from one too many beers, so I opened the refrigerator to quench my thirst.

"That's not good," I thought as I gazed upon a three-course meal bundled tightly in Saran wrap. A dry, empty wine glass sat beside another, besmirched with smears of red merlot and fresh lipstick. The clock over the stove read half past eleven. Not good.

Light of foot, I walked upstairs to the bedroom, tip-toed across the darkness and - like a snake - slid under the covers. I dared not even breathe heavily as I shut my eyes and thought, "Well, I'll just deal with this in the morning and it won't seem as bad."

Au contraire!

Like a Venus Flytrap, she let me to lay in wait, lulling me into thinking I was safe. Once the trap is set, the attack never begins violently, but rather with a subtle whisper from the opposite side of the pillow:

"What, you couldn't call and tell me you'd be late?"

Knowing a simple, "I'm sorry" would never suffice, we men go into an elaborate story to justify our actions and before you know it, it's 3 a.m. and you're being interrogated by Nancy Grace, with every action from the past two months called into question.

Shannon, the debate here is not in terms of wrong or right, because we know if we do the crime we do the time.

But why all the theatrics? Why do women always make it a soap opera mixed with a game show? We get the melodrama sprinkled with a painstakingly complex line of questioning.

I think most of us would opt for a solid punch in the gut and a good night's sleep rather than the slow, painful Dr. Phil-meets-Linda-Blair torture that ensues.

She Said

Oh, Dave, don't you get it? This is the key difference between men and women.

We like to dwell, for better or worse. We want to talk about why you screwed up, not just hear you admit you screwed up.

That much is usually obvious. For example, the worst night to stay out late and not call is the night she surprises you with a romantic home-cooked meal. As you discovered. Good going, Dave. No, really. Genius!

The question we have is, why did you stumble? And did you screw up in a bigger way than you're admitting to? Was someone else involved? Did your "buddies" badly influence you, yet again?

We are the more curious gender, and admittedly the more dramatic when it comes to conflict.

So you need to just expect the full inquiry when you mess up, okay? It might be enough for you guys to stew in silence or grunt when you've got an issue with us, but for many women, this will not do.

Don't you know that she probably reveled seeing you in a corner that night, in a spot from which you could not wriggle out?

I'll bet she even had a little smile on her face when she heard you tiptoe upstairs and slink into bed, thinking you had escaped the inquiry.

Dave, Dave. Never expect to escape such a blunder without lots of questions.

And just think, all you had to do was make a courtesy call and I bet she would have been waiting for you when you arrived so late - in a much more friendly mood. If you know what I mean.

- Got a topic you'd like to see Shannon and David debate? E-mail it to tbteditors@tampabay.com.

[Last modified March 12, 2008, 13:47:15]