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The Real Kramer's Reality TourBy ERIC DEGGANS © St. Petersburg Times, published May 11, 1998
Just in from Tampa, she and her husband Carl joined a group of family and friends for an excursion that would prove to be an Seinfeld fan's dream: a tour of New York hosted by the guy who inspired Michael Richard's legendary Cosmo Kramer character -- ex-stand up comic Kenny Kramer. By now, the Juans were about 60 minutes into what would become a three-hour tour, starting with videotapes and a lengthy Seinfeld history delivered by Kramer himself, and culminating with a bus trip to many New York sites featured in the top-rated NBC sitcom. Thanks to the show's impending finale Thursday, attendance at Kramer's tours has jumped through the roof, with 55 people joining the Juans on this crisp spring day -- a noisy, well-bundled mass that included fans from Daytona Beach, Australia and Hawaii, along with a Norwegian TV film crew. But, as Judy sees Kramer's assistant Zach Waldman struggling to duct tape a banner marking the luxury tour bus as the temporary territory of "The Real Kramer," she can't help laughing a little. Because if you ever had to imagine a tour presented by the "hipster doofus" from the hit NBC series, it would be exactly like this one. In the beginning . . .Walk past the new construction on Manhattan's legendary 42nd Street -- where Disney's multi-million-dollar initiatives have pushed out Times Square's legendary sex shops in favor of company-owned souvenir stores -- and you'll eventually come to the tiny Pulse Theater. Normally a home for way off Broadway productions, this hole-in-the-wall theater is transformed on weekends into a base for the Kramer Reality Tour. "This is a real class operation, right?" Judy asks, a little sarcastically. Still, its obvious she's enjoying the haphazard, almost thrown-together feel of the presentation. (Kramer says it's because the theater's main hall is in use for a production). After all, if Kramer's behind this tour of Manhattan, it can't be too organized. Before long, it's showtime. Yet another assistant turns on a TV and VCR, and a videotaped image of Kramer fills the screen -- after a few taped comedy bits featuring, of all people, ex-talk show host Gordon Elliott and New York Mayor Rudolph Giuliani. "People have come on this tour expecting to see Michael Richards (the actor who plays Kramer on TV)," Kenny Kramer says, as some tour participants snicker. "If you're out there thinking this . . . you're a complete idiot." For a moment, the video triggers a flash of panic: Will the Real Kramer even bother showing up for his own tour? Once, Kramer did briefly turn over hosting duties to Waldman, a Miami native who lost an internship on the Howard Stern Show after bounding into the studio naked (of course, Kramer also showed a video clip of that incident). But when interest in the TV show's finale perked up business, too many fans felt the $37.50 per head cover charge wasn't worth it without the real deal. A 54-year-old guy with a ton of New York attitude, Kramer offers a little more Borscht Belt flavor than his onscreen counterpart. And his full mane of graying, shoulder-length hair seems more ex-hippie than hipster cool. "Only in America could something like this happen," says Kramer. "I'm famous because I lived across the hall from somebody who is famous. But it takes a guy like me to milk it for all it's worth." And Kramer has certainly learned how to ride this particular gravy train, offering T-shirts, books, hats, jackets and special magazines priced from $15 to over $100 (to his credit, Kramer autographs the stuff for free and prices T-shirts $3 less than NBC's own merchandise store at Rockefeller Center). Thanks to Thursday's finale episode and the hunger for all things Seinfeld, Kramer has snagged appearances on NBC-TV's Today and the syndicated show Judge Judy (he is sued by a campaign worker from his frivolous bid for mayor last year) "I was offered $15,000 from three different radio stations across the country to host their Seinfeld finale parties," confesses Kramer later in a post-tour interview. Instead, he will host the New York Times' party. "I figured I should stay in town for this one," he adds, laughing. Not bad for a guy who says he only received "about $1,000" for signing over to NBC the rights to use his life's stories to create Cosmo Kramer. Kramer's shtick-filled opening monologue offers a tantalizing history of Seinfeld, told through the eyes of a guy who was one of co-creator Larry David's closest friends -- back when the two lived as neighbors in New York's subsidized apartment complex for performers, Manhattan Plaza. Some of the nuggets he reveals early on: During Thursday's finale, Jerry and Elaine do not get married. "These despicable human beings will just show themselves to be even more despicable," says Kramer, who was on hand for the show's April 8 final taping. Larry David, long acknowledged as the creative heart of Seinfeld, initially hated Jerry Seinfeld when the two were working New York's stand-up comedy circuit. "Larry looked at Jerry like a comedy putz," says Kramer. "(David) would say, "He just notices things . . . Ever notice this? Ever notice that?' " Kramer saved David from losing a $10,000 per week job writing for Saturday Night Live after the future Seinfeld creator unleashed an avalanche of insults at the show's executive producer. "Just go back to work the next day like nothing happened," Kramer advised his buddy, who later had George Costanza use the same tactic on Seinfeld. "It worked." After a few more jokes, Kramer ushers the group out to the bus, where the tour really begins; and none too soon for Judy Juan, who planned this trip to New York -- and Kramer's Reality Tour -- four months ago. "I'm sure there are fans who can recite episodes by heart -- I'm not one of them," says Judy. "But I love the show's dry sense of humor, and I like hearing all the stories behind the stories." Reality, a bit of poetic licenseOutfitted with several overhead video monitors, plush seats and ice-cold air conditioning, Kenny Kramer's rented tour vehicle totally outclasses the reconditioned school bus his TV counterpart used when Seinfeld spoofed the Reality Tour on the series. Just driving through midtown early on, the bus passes: the Market Diner on 43rd Street and 11th Avenue where the TV Kramer scored blackmarket showerheads; St. Luke-Roosevelt Hospital Center on West 56th Street and 11th Avenue, where Kramer drops a Junior Mint into a surgery patient; and the West Side YMCA on W 63rd Street near Broadway, where Jerry and pal George Costanza met baseball star Keith Hernandez. Perhaps wary of bringing too much fan attention to private citizens, Kramer's bus steams right by two obvious sites: George's apartment at 321 W 90th Street and the building that houses Jerry, Cosmo Kramer and Newman -- located at 129 W 81st Street. George's purported abode is a good 15 to 20 blocks away from his buddy Jerry's alleged home, a much more downscale apartment building that looks more like a college dormitory than an Upper West Side residence, dubbed The Shelby. Still, Marva McWilliams -- a resident since the early '70s -- remembers when Seinfeld actually lived in the building during the mid-'80s, in the days when he ruled New York comedy clubs such as The Comic Strip on Manhattan's East Side. "I never believed he was that funny," confesses McWilliams of Seinfeld, who she says actually invited her to a performance once -- an offer she declined. "He was nice enough in the hallways, but he never seemed like the kind of guy who could make you laugh." As the real Kramer's tour bus heads north on Broadway, more Seinfeld-ian landmarks emerge: The Kenny Rogers' Roasters that inspired protests from Kramer for its bright neon sign; the Love Store pharmacy where Elaine begged for discontinued Today contraceptive sponges; The Cineplex Odeon Regency theater where Jerry kissed a date during Schindler's List -- and lived to regret it. The tour's climax comes at Tom's Restaurant, the diner that provides the huge neon sign passed off as Monk's Cafe on the show. In TV land, this diner is right across the street from Jerry's apartment, but in New York reality, it's more than a mile north on 112th Street and Broadway. As fans pile off Kramer's tour bus to take photos with the shaggy-haired celebrity, passers-by gape and Tom's co-owner Bill Nikolakis sighs. Though he estimates the association with Seinfeld has increased his tourist business by at least 10 percent, few of those come from Kramer's tour. "Mostly they just take pictures and look around," he says. "We are used to it." A friendly diner with quick service and a steady stream of customers from nearby Columbia University, Tom's Restaurant boasts a crowded interior nothing like the roomy layout featured on Seinfeld. "I have no idea why they used the sign," Nikolakis adds, answering the most-asked question by journalists, who now visit the eatery at least once a day. "I guess they thought it was pretty." Before long, participants are back on the bus, whisked by the 55th Street location of Soup Kitchen International, the stand where Al Yeganeh, the inspiration for the Soup Nazi, doles out his gourmet wares. "I think people should call him "Al the soup rat bastard'," says Kramer, who has feuded with Yeganeh over the chef's near-hysterical hatred of his portrayal on Seinfeld. "Maybe he'd like that nickname better." Nice work if you can grab itKramer's stock answer to anyone who asks why he's presenting the Reality Tour, is that "anything beats working for a living." But it's obvious, watching a weary Kenny Kramer pack up his merchandise after a day of schmoozing, storytelling and sales, that it is hard work, keeping up with public's demand for all things Seinfeld. And like many in the city that has almost become a fifth character on the show, Kramer takes a lot of pride in his connection to the offbeat series -- even as he squeezes every single buck he can out of the association. "I'd be crazy not to take advantage of these opportunities," he
says, packing an armload of "The Real Kramer" T-shirts into a
cardboard box. "It may not come around like this ever again."
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EW YORK -- Judy Juan watches as a harried assistant tapes a sign
alongside the tour bus she will soon board, a smile playing across
her face.
