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[an error occurred while processing this directive] By HOWARD TROXLER
© St. Petersburg Times, published January 10, 2001
Our story thus far: Cosette, a child representing the state university system, finds herself in the foster care of the incredibly long-titled Florida Joint Phony-Baloney Task Force on Gutting Higher Education By Putting It Directly Under The Thumb of the Pea-Brained Legislature, Along With Local Boards Run By Aunt Bee, Gomer, Opie, Wicked Uncle Ernie, Rebecca DeMornay (As The Nanny From The Hand That Rocks The Cradle, Not The Babe In Risky Business), And Numerous Other Metaphors For Bad Or At Least Parochial Caretaking.
CHAIRMAN PHIL HANDY: Welcome, monsieur! Sit yourself down and meet the best little locally run state university system in town. As for the rest, all of 'em snoots: Who needs uppity ree-search and fancy suits! Seldom do you see humble, overall-wearing folk like us who are content to be . . .
THE CAST: Masters of the house, playing with our schools Them smarty-pants professors must accept our rule, Better listen up, to your local sen-a-tor,
Create his de-gree program
or you'll catch what for!
Glad to let them pre-tend
to be brainy,
No problem as long as
they win their bowl game,
But we'll call all the shots and
divvy up the gains!
T.K. WETHERELL: I was
master of the House,
Banged a gavel o'er that zoo,
Now I'll need a new job in a year or two
I went to FSU, caught passes
in big games,
How many college pres-i-dents
could ever say the same?
Glad to let a few schools
have their doct'rates,
Fancy titles hanging on the wall
But nothing says Tallahassee
Like a local boy
who remembers to say "y'all!"
JOHN THRASHER: I was master
of the House,
Gave the lobbies quite a ride,
Don't like snooty eggheads
who ain't on my side,
Killed the Regents dead,
shoved 'em right out of the way,
Now we and the Senate will get
much more say!
Everybody loves the way
that this is going,
Each local pond will hold a single fish
With less annoying public sunshine
To deny them any wish!
ALL: We ... are ... .
Masters of the house! Lords of FSU!
Rulers of the Gators and the others, too!
Makers of new schools! One per district,
if you please!
Make the presidents who flaunt us
get down on their knees!
Everybody bless the governor,
Everybody praise the Republican House,
Everybody raise a glass -
HANDY: Board of Regents, kiss our #&@!
ALL: Everybody raise a glass to the master of the house!
(Lights out. Silence. Spotlight appears on tiny Cosette.)
There is a castle on a cloud
I like to go there in my sleep
No political promises to keep
Not in my castle on a cloud.
There's a school that's not a toy
For a hundred politicians
Nobody shouts or talks too loud
In my castle on a cloud.