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2100-2101: Season in review
By JOHN ROMANO
© St. Petersburg Times, published January 26, 2001
The Barsntaz
John Romano, Sports Writer
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Promotional material distributed by the Raiders proclaim them to be the Team of the Century, but because they have not won a Super Bowl since 1984, that slogan is quite outdated.
Barsntaz is the closest thing the NFL has had to a dynasty since the league expanded from the Milky Way into the Snickers galaxy in the mid-21st century.
The franchise has survived the zero gravity scare of 2074-76, the ownership of the Snyder heirs in the 2090s and, most recently, the gastro intestinal problems of the Tony Siragusa clone.
With a population of 6.2-billion, the entire planet is barely the size of Manhattan, but Barsntaz enjoys fanatical fan support. After clinching the division title, fans attempted to carry coach Clook "The Cranium" Xertek off the field on their shoulders before realizing, to their chagrin, few had shoulders. They settled, instead, for a Penicillin bath.
Here is a recap of Barsntaz's road to this season's Super Bowl:
THE TURNING POINT
Coming off consecutive losses, the Barsntaz were in danger of falling out of playoff contention in Week 11 against the Milos-12 Buccaneers. Trailing 14-9 with 3:21 remaining, Xertek used a hologram of punter Squeemer Ispep in the huddle and the Bucs brought their punt return team on the field. Milos-12, where the Bucs moved after the last strip club closed in Tampa, was caught off guard when Joe Montana emerged from the huddle and threw a 46-yard scoring pass. Barsntaz went on to win 17-14 to start an eight-game winning streak.
The loss continued the Bucs futility in inclement weather. Since the ozone layer deteriorated, the Bucs are 0-19 when the temperature is more than 114 degrees.
COMEBACK PLAYER OF THE YEAR
In the most remarkable comeback since Lazarus suited up for Israel in 2084, Meermar LeDeux returned to the Barsntaz for the final four weeks of the regular season after suffering a severe loss of nerve. Team physicians performed Deion Sanders surgery, in which courage is surgically implanted in a cornerback's soul so he no longer fears tackling.
THE CONTROVERSY
An emotional showdown with long-time rival Carsntaz cost Barsntaz much more than a loss. The Barsntaz appeared to be on the way to victory when receiver Bono Vox scored on a 128-yard punt return. Vox, however, was penalized for excessive celebrating when a referee caught him smiling while heading back to the sideline. Infuriated at the call, Vox made an obscene gesture with his tentacle and was ejected. Barsntaz went on to lose and the NFL suspended Vox for two weeks. The league also ruled tentacles could only be worn in corn rows on the field.
MOST MEMORABLE GAME
The Barsntaz trailed the Valachi Centurions 34-14 with three minutes remaining before mounting a remarkable comeback for a 35-34 victory. Unfortunately, Fox Sports had cut away from the end of the game to show the movie Hydrothorax, a tale about a young girl's fight to rid the world of the serous fluid that builds up in the pleural cavities. It would become infamously known as the Hydie game.
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The Bengals
Every season seems to produce a team of destiny. This year, that team is the Bengals. Mostly because their destiny was revealed in the preseason by a psychic from New Venus working for the Intergalactic Inquirer.
Despite the early hype, the Bengals have had their share of woes. They continue to play at outdated Cynergy Field while city council members still bicker over who is footing the bill for a new stadium that was completed 98 years ago.
The Bengals also fought with league officials over a referee's blown call in Week 12. The Romulans insisted the Bengals forced their team flight out of the sky just outside the stadium and the Bengals were penalized 15 yards for intentional grounding. Officials could have rectified the situation by checking instant replay, but they failed to contact atmospheric traffic control before a new shuttle craft had landed.
Here is a recap of the Bengals road to this season's Super Bowl:
THE THEME
A local plutonium recycling center sponsored a contest in the preseason to pick a theme song for the Bengals. Because of Tony Dungy's sophisticated defensive gameplans there was a lot of sentiment to choose a classical piece of work like the Backstreet Boys' Sixth Concerto in D-Minor. Instead, fans went with the bouncy, pop song Who Let the Tribbles Out?
THE KEY PLAY
With the team struggling down the stretch, the veterans decided to lighten the atmosphere by making the rookies wear dresses on the charter flight to New Zealand. Quarterback Yardar Moodoo was so smitten by tight end Chris Seranti's ensemble, he proposed somewhere over Asia. The Bengals went on to break their four-game losing streak when Seranti caught a tipped pass for a touchdown to clinch a playoff spot. The wedding was held in the press box after the game and was followed by an immaculate reception.
THE SCANDAL
Never a big believer in freedom of the press, general manager Puff Dragon ordered beat writers to be detained indefinitely at the team's training camp after reading critical stories. The writers' spouses failed to notice the difference, but their editors became suspicious after several deadlines were missed. When expense reports were not turned in on time, the newspapers launched a joint investigation. As the circumstances were revealed, the papers offered to pay the Bengals to keep the writers through the end of the season.
THE ONE-MAN PROTEST
It is hard to believe the Bengals nearly played the 2101 season without All-World safety Scooch James. Traded from the Cowboys to the Bengals for a lock of Cris Collinsworth's hair and an android to be manufactured later, James initially refused to report. It seems the Bengals multi-hued, polka dot and fluorescent road armor clashed with his fashion senses. Dungy finally persuaded him to reconsider by showing him photos of the ridiculous uniforms worn by the old Titans circa 2000.
Today's Odyssey
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