‘R’ doesn't stand for ‘Romper Room’

By STEVE PERSALL

© St. Petersburg Times, published February 2, 2001

W.C. Fields famously complained about sharing the screen with small children. Makes you wonder how Fields would feel about sharing a movie theater with them these days.

Specifically, a theater showing a film meant for adults.

"There's a time and a place for everything," he might drawl, "and I have no time for this place."

On the whole, Fields would rather visit Philadelphia than bet the price of a movie ticket that his show won't be disturbed by noisy children and parents who won't do anything about it.

It's tough to complain about this without sounding like Fields. For the record: Children are wonderful miracles of nature brightening our lives with their simplest gestures. Their energy is to be envied, and their voices come directly from angels.

Just not during movies never meant for their tender minds, okay?

This won't be a sermon on the insidious way Hollywood poisons young minds. Nobody's wringing any hands or jerking any knees here. This is a well-intended complaint on behalf of plenty of adult moviegoers who feel the same way.

To say nothing of the kids who are probably bored stiff at some of the movies they must sit through.

Friends, readers and colleagues tell me their troubles all the time. The worst stories involve toddlers left to wander the aisles or use those plush love seats as trampolines. Children chatter, squeal and cry next to parents conditioned to selective deafness, never missing a word on screen.

Not even a polite reminder helps. These people are usually offended that you're interrupting their own moviegoing experience. Angry glares and some defense about paying their money to see the show are common responses.

Sure, pal, and so did we. Now, please, calm your child so we can all enjoy the sex, drugs, violence and profanity on-screen.

I'm not referring to films such as The Emperor's New Groove and How the Grinch Stole Christmas. Films like those are aimed at younger audiences, and bless them for that. There aren't enough kid-friendly films being made.

When you walk into a G or PG movie, you have a pretty good idea that the audience will be young and, if the film works, they'll be excited. If the film fails, children get restless, but you cope with that, too. A time and a place for everything.

Patience dissolves when a film's rating moves into the PG-13 category and beyond.

A reminder to parents: The "13" means the movie contains material too mature for anyone under that age. It probably won't corrupt them, but it may not hold their attention, either.

How many 5-year-olds can truly appreciate the Zen mentality of Cast Away or the nostalgic humor of O Brother, Where Art Thou? Does an 8-year-old hang on every line of dialogue and performance nuance like adult viewers justly expecting the chance to soak it in without interruption? Probably not, so they entertain themselves at the expense of anyone within earshot.

In case you hadn't noticed, ambient sound carries very well in a movie theater. A crying child in the third row is still a distraction in the rear seats. Same goes for cell phones and blabbermouths, but that's another rant.

Even more irritating is witnessing children escorted by parents to R-rated films, such as Traffic, at which a family with three youngsters was spied on a recent Saturday night. At that rating point, the film's slant toward adult tastes is obvious.

Themes are more mature. Violence will be bloodier and louder, raising the possibility of ear damage. Profanity is more graphic. Sex and nudity are generally exploited more than explored.

If some parents don't mind exposing their sons and daughters to that material, it's their business. When a child gets disruptive during a movie impurely intended for mature audiences, it's ours.

What are parents of young children supposed to do for movie entertainment outside the home? They shouldn't subsist on an cultural diet of Thomas the Train adventures and Disney cartoons. Just one Powerpuff Girls episode would send me screaming into Traffic again.

They deserve a break -- but they'll have to pay for it. Or else we do in the theater.

Babysitters are a pricy option, but not the only one. Isn't there some nearby relative eager to see the kids for a few hours? Or a trusted neighbor with children who'd gladly return the favor sometime?

Muvico BayWalk 20 in St. Petersburg offers on-site child care service from 6 p.m. until closing on weekdays and 10 a.m. until 10 p.m. on Saturdays and Sundays. A soundproof room with video games, books and toys is supervised by licensed child care providers.

Children visit for up to 3 hours for $7, discounted to $4 for additional siblings. Parents are equipped with a silent pager in case of emergency. BayWalk 20 management reports seeing Saturday night regulars as the program's popularity grows.

In-theater child care is a new industry option that moviegoers should demand from every megaplex. It could be added to practically any existing complex and paid for in no time. Make that suggestion -- repeatedly -- to your favorite megaplex's management staff.

Parents who don't wish to be separated from their children should at least make wiser movie selections, even if that means sitting through lighter fare than desired. That's one of those parenting sacrifices you hear people talking about on Oprah.

Watching mature films requires parental responsibility. At the very least, please pay attention to your children for the first sign of problems and take them outside. Go all the way out, since we can still hear you in those narrow walkways along the side of the auditorium.

Explain to them that a movie theater is supposed to be a quiet place, that other people are depending on that silence. It can be a productive lesson in manners and responsibility, if handled properly. Of course, that depends on how well parents learned those lessons themselves.

Give children another chance to sit quietly. If they get antsy again, bite the bullet and leave the show.

With the right approach, some theater managers will offer passes to see another movie or possibly even a ticket refund. The earlier you ask, the better. Believe me, they'll appreciate your saving them from hearing complaints later.

Do it for the children.

Do it for the grown-ups.

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