Letters to the Editors

Earthlings' water use inexplicable

© St. Petersburg Times, published February 21, 2001

Editor: I have a Martian friend. I will admit it sounds a little strange, but it is a documented fact. At least it is a documented fact in the secret archives of the FBI. I am sworn to silence under the National Security Act and therefore cannot say any more as to the circumstances under which I met a Martian. Since I value my freedom, you will have to accept my statement at face value. However, I will give you a little hint. Mars is very cold in winter, so Martians like to come to Florida during their winter. My Martian friend's name is Jake.

Martians are not like Earthlings. They do not have to eat, drink or breathe. These qualities have led to some interesting conversations with Jake. He is a little confused as to how we conduct our affairs of state. Here is a transcript of our recent dialogue.

Jake said, "As I understand it, you Earthlings have to eat, drink and breathe in order to sustain your life."

I agreed with that statement.

Jake continued, "We have learned from our studies of Earth that Florida is in the throes of a severe drought. Since you have to drink water in order to survive, you must be very frugal with your water usage and make every effort to conserve this vital resource."

I agreed with that statement, too.

Jake said, "Perhaps you can then explain why you continue this process called development, which is proceeding at a breakneck pace from one end of Florida to the other. This process creates more demands for water, which is already in short supply. We Martians are confused."

I responded, "Well that is a good question. Development is a sacred cow of Florida. It is responsible for making Florida the great state it is. There are all kinds of political and financial considerations if it is stopped."

Jake said, "But it doesn't create water. Therefore, I must ask what you Floridians plan on drinking in the not-too-distant future?"

I responded, "I would rather not answer that on the advice of counsel."

Jake continued, "These strange patches of green that surround your houses and you call lawns. Our best information says they are highly treasured and expensive to maintain."

I responded, "That is true. There is nothing like a nice, green lawn to perk up the appearance of a house."

Jake said, "Correct me if I am wrong. You pollute the air you breathe with your lawn-mowing equipment. The chemicals you pour on the lawn pollutes the soil that grows your food. These same chemicals then pollute the water you must have to exist and is already in short supply. Am I mistaken in all this?"

I bounded to my feet in righteous indignation.

"You Martians are just not with it. You do not understand the culture of a higher race. Besides, on the advice of counsel, I refuse to answer any more questions."

Jake smiled and said, "I have one request. Please keep your Earthlings away from Mars. We like Mars the way nature designed it. Besides, we have enough problems with the people from Venus."

And so it goes.
-- Eugene L. Gotz, Beverly Hills

Majority of Citrus residents oppose Parkway

Editor: If the Tallahassee crew considers the support of the Suncoast Parkway by the Citrus County Commission as the required public support -- although this commission does not care about public opinion -- then this Tallahassee study is a laugh from the very beginning.

It looks like a hypocritical maneuver that will serve as a testimony that everything is okay with the parkway, which is going to destroy Citrus County and is therefore unwanted by the majority of residents. (I call it a majority as long as there is no other proof, that being a vote by the people of Citrus County.)

The publisher of the Citrus County Chronicle, Gerry Mulligan, is publicly supporting the parkway. To him, it seems to be more important to serve local businesses than subscribers. And he seems to be the voice of the County Commission. Is the Chronicle a government newspaper?

I am glad we have an alternative in the Citrus Times.
-- Walter Schaerlig, Beverly Hills

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