Floridian: Don't take anger out on the kids

Don't take anger out on the kids

By CAROLYN SANDLIN-SNIFFEN

Most parents have a fantasy about raising an ideal child: the one who completes his homework, doesn't antagonize his siblings, goes to bed without protest and puts his dirty clothes in the hamper. Not to mention he's also on the honor roll, loves practicing the piano, is popular and athletic.

All of us have moments when we wish our kids were smarter, quieter or more outgoing. A lot of expectations are involved in parent-child relationships. We sacrifice and give to our children, and we expect something in return. That leaves a lot of room for disappointment, frustration and anger -- like when a child's teacher calls (again!) because he's still disrupting the class, or when he throws his wet clothes on the carpet or is rude and disrespectful to his grandparents.

In spite of our best intentions, we sometimes "lose it" and spew out hurtful remarks: "You've been nothing but trouble from the day you were born." "Get out of my sight." "Keep it up, and I'll give you something to really cry about." "You'll never amount to anything." Each time we short-circuit, it's because we feel that nothing we do is good enough, and everything we say is ignored.

The urge to lash out, either physically or verbally, is hard to resist, and based on the statistics for child abuse (3-million cases reported in 1997), many parents are giving in to that urge.

More often than not, anger is triggered by minor things, catching us when we're feeling overworked, depressed, frustrated with finances or just plain tired at the end of a miserable day. The only way to head off an angry explosion is to recognize the warning signs -- a throbbing headache, bulging neck veins, an adrenaline rush -- and get into the habit of reacting differently.

"Everyone experiences stress in a different way," says Jean Lanier, guidance counselor at Seminole Middle School, "and once we realize which situations are likely to cause us to lose it, we can take measures to defuse the situation before we go ballistic."

She offers the following strategies to help win the battle without losing our cool.

Get lost. Leave the battle scene and take your anger with you. "If your youngster has managed to push your buttons, it's not realistic to expect that you're going to be able to have any meaningful conversation," Lanier advises. "You and your child need a time-out."

Spell out the consequences. Knowing what is expected of them -- and what will happen if they don't deliver -- makes children feel safe and secure. Conversely, sensing that their parents are wishy-washy makes them feel and act out of control.

Children raised without limits don't learn to take responsibility for their actions or to respect the rights of others. Their "me-first" attitudes will be a handicap during childhood and throughout their adult lives. It's normal for kids to regularly test limits because they're looking for reassurance that an adult is in control.

Pick your battles. When you insist that your child eat the last green bean on his plate, is it really important that he do it, or are you just flexing your parental muscles? Standing firm in a meaningless request does nothing more than set you up for frustration and anger.

"When my daughter was thirteen," Lanier says, "I nagged her constantly to clean up her room. Then my friend lost her child in an accident, and I asked myself, 'In the scheme of things, is my daughter's messy room really that important?' After I backed off, swallowed my pride and gave her some space, she started picking up her clothes."

It's inevitable that we'll lose it sometimes, but it's not the end of the world. No parent, even the most loving, handles anger like a model parent every time. "Remember," says Lanier, "our kids are not our projects. They are human beings developing at varying rates. We need to work with them at their own speed. A simple 'I'm sorry' can work wonders."

-- Carolyn Sandlin-Sniffen teaches language arts and reading at Seminole Middle School in Pinellas County.