Making the grade:

When adolescents' fancy turns to love

By CAROLYN SANDLIN-SNIFFEN

© St. Petersburg Times, published March 29, 2001

The sixth-grade couple stood facing each other; her arms were entwined around his neck, his hands rested lightly on her waist. Neither displayed any fancy dance moves, just little half-hearted steps as they shifted back and forth to the music.

"Does this mean they're going together?" asked one girl.

"I hope not," said another girl, crossing her arms in disgust. "My friend said she'd heard from Jason that Bryan had said he wants to go out with me. I know that Bryan likes me because he kicks my chair during reading class. Would he just dump me like that?" Tears puddled up in her eyes.

If you don't own an adolescent, you might not realize that this is one of the most romantic stages of life.

Young love can be a memorable experience, but it can also be confusing and painfully embarrassing. When puberty hits, hormones go haywire. That's why preteens need help understanding and managing their emotions.

When it comes to romance, girls are usually several steps ahead of boys. They will take the initiative to start a relationship by writing notes or telephoning. Boys at this age tend to be baffled by girls. They will rummage through girls' purses, steal their notes and read them aloud, or eavesdrop on conversations.

When an adolescent boy and girl decide to go out together, they seldom pair off alone. Preteens prefer to hang out with each other in the comfort of a group. It lets them retreat to sympathetic friends if the romance abruptly ends.

Comfort is also the reason many middle-schoolers develop crushes on teen celebrities. They can write love letters, fantasize about starring in movies with their heartthrobs, and still feel secure in the knowledge that Britney Spears or Justin Timberlake will never come closer than the poster tacked on the bedroom door.

Many young teens are also prolific romance writers, even if they have no special love interest. Sarah, an eighth-grader, expresses her yearnings in poetry: "I want someone to hold. I want warm arms embracing me when I'm shivering from the cold."

What is most troubling for parents is the fact that their children -- those adorable babies who were singing along with Barney a few years ago -- are becoming sexual beings. Instead of panicking, follow these survival tips.

Don't laugh at their crushes. It's hard to suppress a chuckle or two when meeting the object of your beautiful child's affection, but what she is feeling is real. An adolescent looks beyond the braces, acne and squeaky voice, and sees a kindred spirit. Although she doesn't realize it now, her infatuation is a dress rehearsal for the real thing someday. If you trivialize her feelings, she may stop sharing them, which could have dangerous consequences when more serious teenage problems occur.

Try to remain non-judgmental about your preteen's romantic choices. Remember Romeo and Juliet? Their parents forbade them to see each other and, in typical teenage defiance, they eloped.

Instead, use your child's crushes as opportunities to talk about the qualities he would want in a future mate. Ask: Is this someone who makes you feel good about yourself? Or, would a caring person ignore you when she's with her friends?

Prepare to help mend a broken heart. Kids in this age group often equate their self-worth with other people's opinions of them, and when relationships end, self-images take a beating.

It helps to share stories from your past. Preteens need to know that broken romances happen to everyone, and just because one person doesn't want to be involved with them doesn't mean that they are unlovable.

When your middle-schooler falls in love, get ready for a wild ride on the roller coaster of romance. If your heart drops into the pit of your stomach, hold on to the grab bar of patience and enjoy the moment.

It will soon be one more precious memory of raising children.

Carolyn Sandlin-Sniffen teaches language arts and reading at Seminole Middle School in Pinellas County.

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