Lighten up and trust me

By CECILIA TUCKER

© St. Petersburg Times, published April 2, 2001

I have never given you a reason not to trust me, but trust definitely seems to be an issue between us. Why? I have been to you many times to get an answer to this question, and every time I leave with the same frustration and no solid answer. Now I am getting to the point of wondering if your trust in me will ever get any better. Does it make a difference to you that I make every attempt to keep proving myself to obtain your trust? Do you even notice how I keep my commitments and follow the rules? I know I am telling the truth, and that's all that matters! NOT! I am beginning to question as to whether continuing this effort is even worth it. Will you ever trust me?

What are you looking for in order to rethink your opinion about this trust stuff? What do I have to do to change your mind? I don't think you have any idea how distressed I am over this issue. I see my friends being very manipulative and deceptive with their parents. They even make fun of me for being so honest. They have told me more than once they think I am just stupid to keep trying. I keep telling them that sooner or later I will have the trust from you that I deserve. I am the laughing stock now. My curfew is still at a ridiculous time. The rules I am told to keep are rules for children, not for someone my age. The few times you have punished me, the consequences for my minor actions have been too harsh and/or lasted too long. What are you afraid I will do if you give me the freedom I have proven I can be trusted with?

Every time I have this internal dialogue, I ask myself what you did as a teenager that makes you so afraid to trust me. You know, we could talk about your past and that might help me understand your point of view. But no! Each time I ask for help in dealing with this, you just tell me I won't understand until I am a parent. The intensity of my self-doubt grows daily; I would never wish this mistrust on anyone. Do you understand this? Do you get it?

I am a good teenager. I know you have a job as a parent to set boundaries and guidelines for me. But when will you start to let me try my own boundaries and guidelines? Will I ever be allowed to see how well I can do without your control? Are you going to wait until I go away to college and see if I can do it then? Part of me thinks waiting that long might just set me up to let loose. I can then do whatever I haven't been allowed to do because I won't have to deal with your wrath. All of my mistakes then might be bigger because I will be older and others will think I should know better by now. They won't care that I never had any experience in my teen years in making my own choices. No slack will be cut for me then. Letting me go through my teens with very little experience in setting my own limits keeps me in a child's world. I feel like a young kid on a leash!

I know I am not the parent here, but could I possibly get a little recognition and respect for the ways I have been trustworthy? Is it possible after reading this that you could see what kind of track record I have in our life together? I have already proven myself. I am asking for acknowledgment of what I have already shown you. Lighten up with me and see what happens. I promise you won't be disappointed!

IT! (Private thoughts of the Indomitable Teen) is written by Cecilia Tucker, a licensed marriage and family therapist at the Counseling Center for New Direction in Seminole. Tucker, who has been in counseling practice since 1979, writes this column with the guidance of a panel of teenage advisers, who approve the topics and offer their insights (in exchange for pizza). You may write her c/o: IT!, X-Press, the Times, P.O. Box 1121, St. Petersburg, FL 33731, or e-mail Floridian@sptimes.com.

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