Graduation fears

By CECILIA TUCKER

© St. Petersburg Times, published April 9, 2001

I have been waiting for graduation day since I was in the sixth or seventh grade. That is when I became aware of how much control I felt my parents had over my life. That was when I started to rebel against their authority, and I told myself there would come a day when their power over me would end. I started deciding then how it would be when I graduated. That time is finally here.

The conflicts with my parents have been on and off again. I seemed to have acted out the most during the first couple of years after the control issues hit me. Then I figured out what I could and could not be in charge of concerning my own life. I got mad about some of my discoveries, but I decided not to rebel against "everything" that I determined wasn't fair.

I used to hate it when I would hear my parents say they had to "choose their battles" with me, but that's exactly what I decided to do with them. I have had privileges taken away; then I would have to "prove" myself to get them back. I got into trouble for being disrespectful and showing little appreciation for what my parents did for me.

I toyed often with ideas that I knew I'd get in serious trouble for if I acted them out. Some I carried out and, fortunately for me, I usually didn't get caught. The one driving force in my life for the past five or six years was knowing I would be able to leave home and make my own decisions.

Well, now is the time I have been waiting for, and I am excited but very scared. I have been caught off guard by my fears. I had never given much thought to this being a scary time. Almost daily, new anxieties seem to confront me, especially as I consider going away to school. I have lived with the same people for most of my life. They know my moods and habits but this will all change.

I have my own room at home, and people know to leave my things alone. The thought of a roommate and having to share "my" space feels invading to me. No one will notify my parents if I skip class. I won't be in trouble with them if I come in late or have had too much to drink. Making my own sexual choices without fearing they will find out might change my decisions in this area. Being where I want to be and doing what I want to do are what I have always wanted, but now that I made those decisions, I am scared.

I could go on and on about what I am afraid of, but the bottom line is I am afraid of messing up what I have always wanted -- control of my life. I will take the credit or the blame regardless of the outcome. I thought the excitement would overtake the fears, but so far this hasn't happened.

I would like to talk to my parents about how I am feeling. But I don't want them to think I am not ready to go out there and see what I can be. I just wish I could convince myself that these fears are normal and that I am not the only person who has ever felt this way.

Some of my friends seem as though they might have some of the same fears, but we wouldn't ever admit it to one another. They are the ones that have heard me moan and complain about my parents' control over me. How could I possibly tell them I am afraid?

Now it is my turn to graduate. I am tired of being told what to do, but am I prepared to figure all of this out on my own? I could ask for help, but I think that's what I have been resisting for years . . . what irony!

IT! (Private thoughts of the Indomitable Teen) is written by Cecilia Tucker, a licensed marriage and family therapist at the Counseling Center for New Direction in Seminole. Tucker, who has been in counseling practice since 1979, writes this column under the guidance of a panel of teenage advisers, who approve the topics and offer their insights (in exchange for pizza). You may write her c/o: IT!, X-Press, the Times, P.O. Box 1121, St. Petersburg, FL 33731, or e-mail Floridian@sptimes.com.

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