Tough times in the watering hole

By TOM ZUCCO

© St. Petersburg Times, published April 12, 2001

News item: This is the start of alligator mating season and the time when males are on the prowl. This year, many of them will have a long walk and a lot of speed bumps on the way to pleasure, said Kent Vliet, a crocodilian biologist and professor of zoology at the University of Florida. Since the drought is drying up gators' habitats, there are more of the reptiles in fewer water holes -- making mating more difficult.

So amorous male alligators have it tough because of long walks and crowded water holes?

Want some advice, fellas? Work it, baby. Show up with moussed scales and a cell phone and tell all the hot lady alligators you're a big shot in the entertainment business.

"Hi, there. I used to wrestle for a living. Sunken Gardens, the Seminole reservation . . . I'm the one who bit Marlin Perkins."

So what if it's all a crock? (Sorry.)

I'm not trying to minimize the gators' plight, but try being human and single.

Go to Marino's on a Friday night. Talk about your difficult mating. Pandas have better luck. It's like the shark exhibit at Sea World, only there's no Plexiglas.

I'm serious. Any woman who's even remotely attractive gets treated like Jennifer Lopez. On a visit to a state prison.

And as the night wears on and men get that deck-of-the-Titanic look in their eyes, they start fighting over anything that even remotely appears to be female -- statues, St. Pauli Girl labels, photos of Linda Tripp. . . . It gets ugly.

Hold it. How come you know so much about this?

A friend told me.

As in much of the animal kingdom, women seek men who are good providers. In the case of humans, the sign that a man is a good provider is a Motorola on his hip.

Did you ever notice that women keep them in their purse, and men display them?

That's because men don't carry purses.

The point is, men want women to know they're important, and carrying a cell phone accomplishes that. They cost $79, which is cheaper than a Lexus or a house on the water. You don't even have to activate the phone. Clip that sucker to your belt, next to your pager.

My friend suggested sticking an egg timer and a meat thermometer in your pants, too. Then you've got the whole powerful-yet-domesticated thing covered.

It's sad. This is how men have progressed, based on what we've worn on our belts throughout history:

Clubs.

Swords.

Six-shooters.

Cell phones.

This is machismo? Aaron Burr might still be alive if they'd had cell phones.

Of course, it's not the phone itself that attracts the females. It's what the phone represents. That might be his broker on the other end. Or a patient. Or Regis.

It's probably his wife, but let's not go there.

On second thought, let's. Married people have a misconception about single people. They think being single is one big party all the time.

Yeah. A party of one.

Or if there is a real party, you show up, and everyone there is wearing a cell phone and talking to their spouse. Or their analyst.

It's not a jungle out there.

It's a crowded water hole, and phones are ringing everywhere.

The alligators don't know how good they have it.

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