Citrus: Oh Canada, can't you give up one little boy?

Oh Canada, can't you give up one little boy?

By JAN GLIDEWELL

Sorry, but this is the only way I can remain the only columnist in the United States not to write about little you-know-who.

Overshadowed by the Miami case, where one kid is caught between two fighting ideologies, is the lesser known case of little Alien, accidentally left at an interstate highway rest stop near Buffalo while his mother rushed to buy pork rinds at a duty-free shop.

Little Alien, fortunately, has U.S. relatives who have taken him to their hearts and homes and have sworn to rebuff all attempts to return him to the land of Molson's beer and strangely shaped bacon.

"Let's face it," said Alien's "Buffalo Family" aunt, "if he goes back there he is going to a land of colored money, quarters that don't fit in real vending machines, fights over bilingualism."

Already caught in an emotional struggle brought on by NAFTA, George W. Bush's inability to remember the name of the prime minister and Bill Clinton trying to grope the queen during her last state visit, Alien is being torn at from both sides.

"He really needs to come home, eh?" said his father. "Hockey season is about to start, and a son's place is at home in front of the television set."

Minnesota Gov. Jesse Ventura immediately jumped into the discussion, pointing out that ice hockey is an unnecessarily violent sport that exerts a bad influence on children.

"You only have to watch one match to realize that the true meaning of the sport has been lost and that overly dramatized fights and hype have taken over to the point where no child should be exposed to it," said Ventura, pointing to his career in what he called "the only true sport left in America. A pure contest of strength and skill that appeals only to an intellectual elite."

Alien's U.S. family has been accused by the Canadian government of "brainwashing" the child by exposing him to all of the fun things to do in the Buffalo area.

His aunt admits that they have tried to show Alien a different way of life. "We took him out for wings the other night," she said, "and then we all went over to the BP station and jumped on the cord and made the bell ring, and then we came back and watched Jerry Springer."

U.S. Attorney General Janet Reno, admitting that we and the Canadians have little in common politically (theirs is a democratic republic with real elections and candidates), said that parental rights sometimes outweigh political and even humanitarian concerns.

"I would fight to the death to defend his right to pay ridiculous premiums for his health insurance rather than being exposed to a workable governmentally supported health care system," said Reno, as Hillary Clinton, who had crashed the press conference, kept jumping up and down and yelling: "Me too! Me too!"

Psychologists who have examined little Alien say he is "remarkably well balanced" for being at the center of a whirling controversy in which he is being plied with Pokemon cards, junk food and propaganda about how important it is to have a gun in your home and how the government has no business trying to serve you with a search warrant if you can prove you are a right-wing moron or a religious fanatic.

"He has a tendency to throw gang signs, use the F-word and make bad-driver jokes about his parents," the psychologist said. "But he has gotten over his fear of avalanches, moose and speedometers calibrated in kilometers, and remains a basically healthy child.

Little Alien's Canadian family said that the Royal Canadian Mounted Police, who are known to always get their man or boy, have volunteered to assist in "rescuing" Alien, but only if they can get neat vests and helmets like U.S. federal agents wear.

"We are afraid that his manners may be deteriorating in that environment," said an RCMP spokesman, "and we simply can't stand for that."

Alien's U.S. family has been ordered to hand Alien over at the first opportunity, although they say they will not comply unless they have a written promise that nobody will call them "hosers" during the exchange.

Negotiators are still working on that one.