Pair facing husband's death to lead seminar

By DENIS THERIAULT

© St. Petersburg Times, published April 30, 2000

ST. PETERSBURG -- Cancer is killing Bill Finlaw, but his life isn't over.

He accepts his fate and wants others to know that relationships don't end simply because one of the partners is dying.

On Saturday, the 69-year-old is bringing that message to St. Thomas Episcopal Church in St. Petersburg. In a daylong workshop, "One Lasting Gift: How Honesty and Openness Can Actually Empower Relationships," Bill and Kay Finlaw will tell the story of their continuing struggle with cancer and the ways they deal with it.

Free of colon cancer for 41/2 years, Finlaw thought he had beaten it after years of chemotherapy and a battery of radiation treatments. So he and his wife took a trip to Alaska last summer for some quality time together.

"We were looking forward to growing old together, things like putting our teeth in the same glass each night before going to bed," he said.

Then Finlaw's leg started swelling. A doctor in Fairbanks told him to go home to have it checked.

The report was ominous. Finlaw's cancer not only had returned, but had spread to his lungs, liver, abdomen and pelvis. With his future suddenly dwindling from years to months, Finlaw hung up the phone and reached for his wife of 20 years.

"We just hugged each other and cried," Finlaw said. "I have never felt closer to another human being at that moment."

Finlaw, a counselor and an Episcopal priest for 40 years, remembers being struck by the importance of that feeling. Unlike so many others that he had once helped cope with terminal illness, Finlaw was determined not to shut out the people who loved him.

He resolved to keep things honest, by sharing every feeling with Kay. They crack jokes together, they cry together and they ask questions together.

"We really need to be able to talk to somebody, especially if we're upset," Finlaw said. "We laugh, we cry and, sometimes, we're numb."

As they told more and more people about his illness, Finlaw said, the more they saw a need for the workshop. Too many people at his church would approach him and say how much they envied him and Kay.

Too many people would lament how their spouses shut them out after a terminal illness was diagnosed, Finlaw said. Most people who are sick can forget about how much the ones they love are also suffering.

Before they talk, the Finlaws divide the workshop's attendees into small groups. While most of those who come are either terminally ill or caring for those who are, anyone is invited to come. After their testimony, the Finlaws ask these people -- the husbands and wives, the parents and children, and the close friends -- to tell their stories to other attendees.

"The power of the workshop is in the small groups," Finlaw said.

He also reminds attendees that, in some ways, knowing they're going to die can be a blessing. Unlike someone who dies of a sudden heart attack, Finlaw said, people who are terminally ill have the chance to say good-bye.

Throughout the last eight months, the Finlaws have traveled the country visiting their seven children.

"I wanted to see them right away so they didn't remember me and picture me as old and emaciated," he said.

Finlaw tells people to take care of "practical considerations" like their funerals and burial plans. As a preacher, he said he saw so many bereaved family members at an "absolute loss" because they weren't sure what their loved ones wanted.

They also discussed household matters, like where to find their insurance papers and how to change the furnace filters.

The workshop ends with a talk about acceptance. "I really feel I have accepted that when God is ready to take me, I'll go," he said.

And as they keep teaching others, the Finlaws said they, too, keep learning. "When we first started these workshops, I was thinking we had lots of time to do these and lots of time to work through what we needed to," Finlaw said. "Things are closing in a little bit."

If you go

DATE: SaturdayTIME: 10 a.m. to 4 p.m.

WHERE: St. Thomas Episcopal Church, 1200 Snell Blvd. NE, St. Petersburg

COST: $30 per person, $50 for patient and caregiver attending together (lunch included). Registration deadline: Wednesday.HOW TO REGISTER: Send a check to St. Thomas payable to the New Beginnings Counseling Center. On a separate piece of paper, include the names, addresses and telephone numbers of those attending. Your canceled check will be your receipt. For more information, call 896-9641.

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