Breaking up is hard to do, but it can be fun

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By HOWARD TROXLER

© St. Petersburg Times, published May 1, 2000

WASHINGTON -- The U.S. Department of Justice, bolstered by favorable reaction to its request to split the giant Microsoft Corp. into two new companies named "Micro" and "Soft," has decided to apply the approach to other well-known American institutions.

"The concept of requiring a large, efficient company to divide into smaller parts, so that its products no longer integrate and may eventually cost more as separate chunks, is naturally appealing to the federal government," a Justice spokesman said.

"We have proved that Microsoft was a really, really bad monopoly, but we must not leave it at that," the spokesman said. "We must act before the rising market share of other competitors in the fast-changing economy takes care of these things for us naturally."

Justice announced that:

The giant Sears retail chain must split up. One new chain will have no employees to assist shoppers in the clothing, home furnishings or electronics departments. The other chain will have no employees to assist shoppers in all other departments.

Bank of America, which last week announced plans to change its name yet again to simply "Bank" after acquiring the last independent bank in the United States, also will be split. Sources say Justice is considering a system of "community-based" institutions, in which banks actually are owned in and serve the communities where they are located. Critics call the idea dangerously radical.

Customers of McDonald's restaurants will no longer be able to buy french fries and Chicken McNuggets at the same place, the Justice Department said, calling the old combined menu "a dangerous, monopolistic aggregation of big gobs of aorta-clogging goo."

Wal-Mart must spin off some of its stores into a chain called "Wally World," which should cause no customer confusion, since many already think that is the store's name. In the same vein, Target will split as well, with half the stores retaining the old name, and the other half retitled as "Tar-JAY."

GTE, soon to be renamed "Verizon," will be divided into new companies "with equally stupid-sounding, made-up names," Justice announced. The exact corporate structure has yet to be decided, but sources said the new company's bills must remain indecipherable to comply with federal regulations.

Florida Progress Corp., which has sold itself to Carolina Power & Light Co., also must split. One new corporation will exist solely to calculate the actual cash value of the sellout to the man who cooked it up, Richard Korpan.

In other anticipated Justice actions, Procter must split from Gamble, Ben from Jerry, Frito from Lay, A from P, Black from Decker, Smith from Wesson and Barnes from Noble. Home Depot will spin off a subsidiary called "Grunting Men Who Won't Help You In The Lumber Department." The city of Winston-Salem, N.C., will cease to exist as we know it. The status of Julia Louis-Dreyfus is unclear; however, Kathie Lee Gifford must give up one of her names. Consumers now will have the choice between "Star" or "Kist" canned tuna.

The Tampa Bay Buccaneers must split into two entirely different teams, offense and defense, which, come to think of it, already happened last year. Meanwhile, Captain Kirk of the Starship Enterprise will be required to stay permanently divided between the good and evil Kirks created by the transporter during the episode "The Enemy Within."

Despite concerns over conflicts with the First Amendment, the Justice Department ordered the breakup of several newspapers, including the St. Petersburg Times, which will divide into two separate publications. One will be in charge of enraging readers outside of Pinellas County and one inside the county. Only one of the editions will contain anything funny. It's not this one.

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