Man enough to talk about 'female problems'?

Don't know an ovary from a fallopian tube? A book written just for men demystifies the female body so squeamish types can be more supportive when needed.

By WES ALLISON

© St. Petersburg Times, published May 3, 2001

Your Guy’s Guide to Gynecology: Everything You Wish He Knew About Your Body If He Wasn’t Afraid to Ask (Ant Hill Press, $15.95) is a detailed explanation of the female reproductive system, common medical conditions and menopause.

It is the queen of euphemisms. The sure way to end questions about tardiness from a pushy male boss. An excuse for any occasion, because you know guys won't pursue it.

And as two California doctors realized one day, those two words can send even the most supportive husband scurrying for safer ground. Considering that gynecological health is central to the lives of women, Dr. Bruce Bekkar and a colleague believe men's squeamishness is a problem.

"So many of our patients come in and complain that they can't talk to their partner about any of their gynecological problems without the guys turning green or running out to the garage," said Bekkar, an obstetrician-gynecologist in San Diego.

"The idea was to educate men so they wouldn't withdraw when their partner needed them."

Cue Your Guy's Guide to Gynecology: Everything You Wish He Knew About Your Body If He Wasn't Afraid to Ask (Ant Hill Press, $15.95), a detailed explanation of the female reproductive system, common medical conditions and menopause. Bekkar thinks men should be helpful participants in their partners' gynecological health.

He brought that message to St. Joseph's Hospital in Tampa last week, the first in a monthly series of talks called Red Hot Mamas. The crowd -- 190 women and one husband -- seemed receptive to the idea that if men learned the science behind the system, they'd be more supportive.

"We're not trying to make the guys experts," Bekkar explained. "We are trying to make them comfortable."

He has plenty of ground to cover. As he and his co-author, Dr. Udo Wahan, were determining the scope of the book, they gathered 10 male friends and associates and asked them, among other things, to draw the female reproductive system.

Keep in mind that all were educated professionals, and most were married with kids. But to them, the names and location of the ovaries, fallopian tubes, uterus and cervix appeared as otherworldly as the orbits of Jupiter's moons.

"What they gave us back looked a little bit more like topographical maps of Eastern Europe than anything remotely physiological," Bekkar said, holding up three examples that looked, in varying degrees of detail, like a child's rendition of bunny ears stuck to a softball.

So the book begins with "Basic Female Stuff," then trucks off to places where men traditionally do not dare go: "Vaginitis" (Chapter 3) and "Bumps, Drips and Owies," dealing with sexually transmitted diseases (Chapter 4).

With a rare mix of humor and solid, detailed medical information, Guy's Guide discusses birth control, pregnancy and gynecological surgery. The Pap smear, and what it's for. The menstrual cycle and the reasons behind PMS. Common treatments for common ills such as yeast infections.

Then, of course, there's Chapter 6: "Attack of the Killer Hormones."

Which is what brought Jim Crawford of Land O'Lakes to the seminar with his wife, Bonnie.

Bonnie and Jim, both 50, are preparing for Bonnie's change of life, and both want to know exactly what happens and why. Jim's previous experience with menopause involved a miserable friend whose wife became a cyclone of rage, hot flashes and threats of violence.

"He used to come to work so frustrated and angry," Jim said. "I'd tell my wife about it, and she'd say that sounds like menopause."

For the record: Jim Crawford is no noodle-kneed eunuch dragged along by his wife, no New Age sensitive guy rooting around for his feminine side. Jim is a facilities manager in Pasco County. He fixes machinery. He is fit and solid, with a head like a block of granite on thick shoulders and a sun-dulled tattoo of a spread-winged eagle on his right forearm.

Manwise, he's got game.

The way Jim figures it, learning the wonders of menopause has two purposes: one, to help the woman he pledged to love and cherish 19 years ago ("Seems like yesterday," he coos); and two, simple self-preservation.

"If I have an idea what she's going through, I'll understand. I know it will help me keep our marriage strong," he said.

Bonnie, a computer analyst, was obviously pleased.

"I don't want to be in full-blown explosion mode and then have to figure out what's going on," she said.

Her husband nodded. "Me, too."

Quick menopause primer: The average age of onset is 51, though it can begin years earlier. The change, as it's often called, occurs when the ovaries stop producing eggs and the monthly periods eventually end. The level of estrogen drops, too, and this hormonal retooling can create havoc for some women: loss of memory, mood swings, vaginal dryness, hot flashes.

But women and their partners can do things to help. Exercise and diet can ease many symptoms, and Bekkar advises menopausal women to get into their best shape ever.

His No. 1 tip for men: Ask her open-ended questions, then quietly listen to the answer. Do not try to solve the problem.

"I think a lot of guys feel that if they ask a question and don't know how to fix it, they're not helping," Bekkar said.

"It's important for men to practice asking questions and not say anything until their partner finishes."

Material for the book grew out of a course on gynecology for men that Bekkar teaches in San Diego. More than 350 men have taken the course in the past 21/2 years, and Bekkar, who has worked as a stand-up comic, uses humor liberally to ease their discomfort.

He also aims his pitch at baby boomers ready to tackle subjects their parents never dreamed of.

"I'm surprised he's the only one that's here," Bonnie Crawford said, eyeing the packed auditorium. Save for Bekkar, a reporter and two young men who appeared to be accompanying their mom, her husband was the sole representative of chromosome Y

"You read the stories and you hear a lot of men say it's all psychological, it's all in their minds, but they're not willing to make the next step and find out what it is," she said. "This way he'll know I haven't turned into this super-wicked witch for no reason."

At a glance

Red Hot Mamas, sponsored by pharmaceutical company Ortho-McNeil, will meet monthly at St. Joseph's Hospital in Tampa. Future topics include menopause and sleep, hormone replacement therapy, and sex and menopause. For information, call the hospital at (813) 870-4747.

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