Gay: Is that me?

By CECILIA TUCKER

© St. Petersburg Times, published May 7, 2001

First of two parts

I woke up this morning struggling with the same question I was thinking about last night. Why can't I resolve this dilemma that's troubling me? I'm fighting with myself almost daily over this. There's a part of me that knows I'm the only one with the answer to this, but then there's the other part of me that wishes somebody else could help me figure this out.

Am I gay?

Was I born with these same-sex feelings, or did something happen to me to make me this way? I just can't seem to get beyond this question. Does the environment cause me to be gay, or is it genetic? Or do both cause one to be gay, or is it just one? If being homosexual is genetic, then I really don't have any choice. If it's environmental, then why would I choose this? Why would I put myself in this position, to be hated by everybody? How can they be judgmental? I just feel like I'm stuck, and this confusion and indecisiveness are making me miserable.

What would my parents think if I'm gay? I bet they would blame themselves for having done something wrong. Maybe they'd want to disown me because I'd disgrace them. Would they want to talk with me about this or just try to ignore it? They might try to convince me it's a fad or that I'm going through some sort of phase. Would they send me to a shrink to get "fixed"? Maybe they would continue to love me -- after all, I'm still the same person I've always been.

Even as I'm trying to sort all this out, I wonder if I will be able to count on my family for support. Will they see me as a disappointment because their dreams for me won't work out? Will they embrace me and the partner I may have in the future? Will they learn -- with me -- how we can cope together with this unpopular self-realization?

What about me, my dreams and my future? Are there colleges that will be open and affirming of me if I am gay? Will there be people who will hire me and promote me if they know about my orientation? Will I find a satisfying relationship with someone or will I spend my life alone? Will I be able to fit into society if I have a same-sex partner? Will I be invited to social events and be free to bring my date or partner? Will I set myself up for a sexually transmitted disease such as HIV/AIDS? Will there be someone to care for me as I age? The questions about my future scare me to death.

My friends are an entirely different issue. Some think it's cool to be gay, and several say we can pretend to be gay because that will get us attention. But they don't understand. I'm not pretending. I am constantly preoccupied with this question. How would they feel if they thought I really was gay? Even though I think I'm careful about what I say and how I act, sometimes I wonder if they can tell that I'm really gay.

Can Chris and Alex tell that I've got these feelings for them? Would they understand if they knew or would they angrily tell me to get lost? All you have to do is see how the kids who have "come out" are treated. I don't want to go through that, and I'm hesitant to become friends with any of them for that reason. At least right now, I'm too afraid to make that move. I could join that new straight-gay club, but that might make people suspicious.

There's so much on the line. Since middle school, I've been really worried about being teased and left out. Having friends is way too important to me. Oh, yeah, and how am I supposed to deal with those moral issues about homosexuality? There are lots of people who think it's a sin to even think about gay issues, much less actually be gay! I need more time to sort out all these questions and concerns. I need some answers.

Author's note: Thank you to the many contributors to this article, both gay and straight. For more information, check with your high school to see if it has a Gay and Lesbian Student Association.

IT! (Private thoughts of the Indomitable Teen) is written by Cecilia Tucker, a licensed marriage and family therapist at the Counseling Center for New Direction in Seminole. Tucker, who has been in counseling practice since 1979, writes this column under the guidance of a panel of teenage advisers, who approve the topics and offer their insights (in exchange for pizza). You may write her c/o: IT!, X-Press, the Times, P.O. Box 1121, St. Petersburg, FL 33731, or e-mail Floridian@sptimes.com.

Here's the rest of today's Xpress